day 15 self pitty in process character

     Please be aware of me I don’t want to do this for nothing, no more can I hide from myself lost in myself as myself, it’s hard; at least it feels that way. Sad so sad- everything is against me.

     This self pitty character has got to go.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation from the world as I count on it to change instead of realizing that it is up to me to take responsibility for my own change.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation as a desire- for some kind of reward like making some kind of impact on the world even just a sign. If I did get this reward it would just feed the addiction of desire for reward tarnishing slowing and damaging my process of change as it gives me an energy fix causing me to crash when I don’t get it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pulled down by energy as sadness in a need want and desire to not take responsibility for myself to stand up for all life equally, in this I see this is just self interest separating myself from the whole of reality entertaining the thought that I could just go back to looking out for number one as if I had a choice.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pulled down by energy as sadness at the prospect of loss of choice as I see I have no choice but to face myself as who I am weather I change or not. I can only add more layers of suppression wich would just be an altered me that I have to face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation as a need want and desire for process to be easy not seeing that It’s only as hard as I allow it to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as separate from the process of change instead of being one and equal to process.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of commitment statements as I can’t know at this moment if I will live the commitment statements or if they will be good enough to say I am standing for ‘what is best for all life equally’.

 I commit myself to stand as myself as a world in and as change, no longer in need of reward, equal and one with the movement of change, in my actions in self direction not as fear direction.

I commit myself to realize the moment of sadness towards having to take responsibility for change with no choice but to face myself, I stop I breath and realize what will change and walk it in time with self forgiveness and commitment and repeate until it is done where I stand stable in this reality standing for all life equally in every breath till all are free or death claims me.

 I commit myself to walk my commitment statements even if it requires repeating self forgiveness and new commitment statements weather it requires new adjustments or tweeking or new realization working myself as responsibility chiping away at the stone until all that remains is a being that stands up for ‘what is best for all’.

Do not investigate http://desteni.org/ you will have no choice but to take responsibility for all life on earth and yourself as your participation in it,run away! It’s to late for me SAVE YOUR SELF!

Do not investigate http://equalmoney.org/ to stop the abuse of life on earth so all can have a dignified life. Just accept capitalism its comfortable your used to it, it must be the only way, people deserve to be rich while others suffer from starvation, food is not a rite for everyone and “there will always be haves and have nots”.

Day14 The TV

Strange, its almost like I have two minds running most of the time, like I’ve matched frequencies with a second mind or something hummming away luling me to sleep hypnoticaly and I’m pretty sure it wants me to get excited about buying stuff.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be comforted by the sound and visions produced by the TV getting so comfortable with it on that I don’t realize it’s destracting me from reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the impact the TV has as it is always feeding the mind energy, creating a comforting and hypnotic hum that even distracts me from realizing it needs to be turned off.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the constant noise to comfort me like a mind running to create tiredness and lazyness when left on just as back ground noise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my emotions are being fed, activated and manipulated through what is being projected from the TV through my participation as I allow myself to be manipulated even when I’m not really watching.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards silence with no noise or distraction as I’m left with just me ‘here’ which I’m not used to and is uncomfortable.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to comfort as the comfort of the mind running is keeping me from the physical reality ‘here’ aware of and as breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compound the problem of the mind running with the constant noise of the TV.

 I commit myself to limit the time the TV is on and limit my viewing to mostly educational purposes as I still have to compromise with others in the house but will share my realizations with them.

I commit myself to not let the TV run as back ground noise and give myself a better chance to realize who I am as silence as this will assist me to realize what I accept and allow as distractions.

I commit myself to push through discomfort of being ‘here’ in the physical and not give into the comfort of noise or the mind or comfort just for the sake of comfort.

 I commit myself to realize when my environment is compounding my programing stoping it in a single breath and do self forgiveness when needed.

Learn to utilize the tools of self forgiveness at  http://desteni.org/

And please investigate http://equalmoney.org/

Day13 'These eyes'

I think I was around 8 years old I asked the question why am I looking through ‘these eyes’ (was like a light clicked on) as if to say I could be anyone else and in the same time an idea that I was here to do something special, that I had some role as a major player in the grand sceme of things. I perceive this point as the first point of ego that is of any significance and the beginning of character creation. I see this also as a point of how I was put on tracks that my mind keeps track of so I can jump back on them if I need to, back on my own path as ‘the one’ that figures it all out. I had confirmed as a young adult that this idea of here to do something special as a child was not a special event, after having a conversation with some friends who confirmed that feeling as a child and that we all kind of forgot about it while blending in society as adults. I never really forgot and the ‘special’ or ‘the one’ will always be correct in there view point -not cool- jeeze everyone is looking through their eyes WTF.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the memory of looking through ‘these eyes’ instead of being self directed with in the principal of ‘what is best for all’.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a belief that looking through ‘these eyes’ is some kind of strange experience as the back chat comes up “this is strange”.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize that one person alone can never be example enough to make any real change in this world; you have to work with and as a group supporting eachother to make a significant change.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ego; looking through ‘these eyes’ to think I will be the one who’s right in my view point as it will cause resistance with others and in myself when our view does not match.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation while keeping an ‘eye’ on the track I was on to sabotage my process and commitment to the group.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be fully aware of my potential as something that requires support which is something I give to myself and others, giving as I would like to receive.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as separate from thoughs I would converse with instead of one and equal in the conversation as it is just knowledge and information being passed between two or more beings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards getting my point across as someone might perceive me as forceing my view point on them or they might get annoyed that I’m not seeing it there way or perceive I refuse to consider their point of view.

I commit myself to no longer accept the perception of looking through ‘these eyes’ as special or strange (s T R A I N g e) and have enough sence to stay off the special tracks, lol I’m still recovering from the last time I got hit.

 I commit myself to be ‘here’ in the physical reality when in conversation as equal to all involved assisting when I have something to give and assisting self in considering anothers view points, sharing myself in what has assisted me instead of inflicting a point of view.

 I commit myself to become one- in and as the commitment to process/self change and the equality equation as a +1.

I commit myself to pass on what I’ve realized about being special and what I will realize as I take on my own programing when the point of being special come up in me.

  

Investigate http://desteni.org/ to learn how to change self for the purpose of what is best for all life equally.

Investigate http://equalmoney.org/ to stop the abuse of life on earth so all can have a dignified life.

Day12 father failure character

There were two promises I made to myself when I decided to have kids and I felt justified in the decision. The first was I would make them a gift to the world, and the second was I was going to change the world but I must have thought I was impervious to fall into abusive or destructive patterns because I created a future projection of myself where I would have perfect patience and I knew what not to do and it was just that easy. I was not going to fall into patterns even though I watch EVERY OTHER PARENT FALL INTO THE SAME CRAP! Ya I was pretty special. I’m reminded of a couple times in life when different friends of mine who were dads would look me straight in the eye as serious as cancer and tell me “DO NOT HAVE KIDS!” guess what, if your thinking it’s ok to have kids because you are special; WHATCH OUT IT’S A TRAP! First thing you better realize is that you’re not special and you better know what it means to stop patterns you already exist in- for starters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as ego in seeing myself as special in a way that everything would fall into place and I would not fall into any patterns like I seen in other parents or my own parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the idea I had about myself with perfect patience was do to patience I have when I don’t give a damn or I’m doing something easy with no real challenge with no threat of messing up something important.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as guilt towards failing my expectations as a father and making myself feel better by finding my kids something fun to do as this has been a repeating pattern that neglects my responsibility to pass on responsibility that they need.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the “shut up” back chat of the mind that comes out at times in the physical when I’m beeing asked by my daughter a bunch of questions or being asked over and over for something I say no to because it’s actually me that wants to shut up; I realize I’ve learned to shut up real well and I’m most comfortable when I shut up.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger towards my daughter if she interupts a conversation with my son or answers for him as he is far behind on his speech not seeing she craves this attention because of the little party I would be involved in every time she moved forward in her speech and she can’t even realize the energy addiction myself and others created in her or why she gets upset as she is no longer getting that energy fix.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as guilt when I over sleep and it cuts into my time with the kids wich causes me to want to hide and sleep more because I don’t want to face myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of my children coming to have the same kind of negative feeling from my environment that I had in my life from other kids and my parents, teachers, work mates and bosses as I’ve almost always felt helpless put down, beaten down. This has bin my real starting point without being fully aware of it, not creating responsible beings that can stand up for life but only kids that can stick up for themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in past memories of what I consider parenting mistakes instead of considering what is best for all in every moment as breath. Mistakes like teaching my kids how to fight as soon as they could walk without knowing how to teach them not to fight which has caused some kids at school to get hurt, to not get my son extra help with his speech yet, to having the tv on to often.

 I commit myself to realize my becoming an effective father takes time and work and the realization of patterns I fall into, so I will continue to write out my patterns with self forgiveness and change myself in real time.

I commit myself to gain real patience by realizing when frustration and anger take me away from awareness I do self foriveness and bring myself back here as breath.

 
I commit myself to balance out fun and entertainment with responsibility in time, giving the children and myself a chance to learn to do things different in understanding my kids can not even understand why they act the way they do as they will need to be educated to the best they can understand on the way the mind works.
 

I commit myself to have proper conversations with my children and not go into the pattern of being frustrated when I’m required to speak.

 I commit myself not to compound the problem if I mess up my sleeping patterns by going into guilt and start my day in practicle common sence.

I commit myself to make sure my starting point in parenting is first to change self to become a resposible being that stands up for all life equaly in that I can pass what I learn to my children through word and example.

Investigate the group that stands up for whats best for all equally http://desteni.org/

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life.

Day 11 The angry single parent

I see a lot of focus on parenting from desteni and for good reason. I get a lot of pat on the backs for being a single dad but I am far from being the best father I can be. Truth is I don’t want to face the facts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger towards my limitations as a single father in existing as this anger I only create more limitations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards not writing do to the fact that I am failing as father and don’t want to face it as I have spent the last couple days loosing patience with my kids.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize compassion without action is useless and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of being called out for my BS wich I can remain safe from as long as I don’t call out others BS.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see every pat on the back for being a single father as proof of how F’d up our society is and every pat on the back for spending time with my kids is just proof of how odd it is.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger towards thoughs with out kids that would speak about parenting as this takes focus off the facts and the fact is everyone has had a chance to see the effect parenting has had on them.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue on as if I can be an effective parent without help when it’s not true, and not taking advantage of classes offered by government and not taking advantage of possible support from people I know and not using the words “I need help”.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when my kids are hard to handle and cry for more and more it is due to the way I have raised them and allowed others to affect/raise them and it will take time to undo the damage done.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that parents who do not take responsibility need help to realize that kids often, if not always disregard the parent not there for them when they grow up, as my father who tries to have a relationship with me now is hardly considered and has a hard time getting any help from me or my brother. Just last night my dad asked for my brother to take him to the hospital and was told to take a cab.

I commit myself to become as effective a father as I can by taking advantage of help available and admitting that I can’t raise the best children without help.

 I commit myself to change myself to stop giving into the demands of my children to go do what they want instead of doing what needs to be done for them to grow up as responsible human beings that do not place fun experience above responsible living adding to the morrons that live by the words “we are here for a good time not a long time”.

 I commit myself to write self forgiveness every night regardless of how I feel about facing myself, realizing I don’t have to share everything and I can write myself out on paper if I don’t have use of my computer.

 I commit myself to not let anxiety slow me and to move through my self created limitations within the real limitations of space/time to the best possible outcome for all life equally realizing effective parenting is crucial.

I commit myself to take on- in time- any BS shown to me about myself or I can clearly see in others and we can all have a good cry about it, but all the abuse in this world must be dealt with and I realize the proverbial slap in the face I get from desteni is just what myself and the world needs to wake the hell up.

Investigate http://desteni.org/ to learn how to change self for the purpose of what is best for all life equally.

Investigate http://equalmoney.org/ to stop the abuse of life on earth so all can have a dignified life.

Day10 It's not my fault character

Boo hoo. It’s not my fault, its how I was rased, I was used, I can’t help being who I am. C’mon that’s desteni 101 blame and excuses give away your power. You gotta go!

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t break the patterns I exist in because of the way my life has been, this is all just existing as the past.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into memories of experiences so I can complain and blame them for my current situation/consequences as this causes me to separate myself from the memories and situation/consequences I exist in and as.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate self directive movement/resposibility to a negative assessment of my situation/consequences as I blame my past or ‘what I’ve bin through’.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the trust I imposed on them to be in control of them, as when you break someones trust your not doing what is expected of you.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents who blamed their parents and so on, as someone in the chain will have to take full resposibility for this existance ending the chain of blame. So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the first ever act of bad parenting that is apparent in the way humanity has grown up.

I commit myself to not give away my power of resposibilty to blame and excuses and instead be here equal and one to my environment increasing self directed movement, responsible for what is best for all and continue the journey to become stable in every moment of every breath.

 I commit myself to not inflict trust on anyone and instead develop self trust so as not to control others and assess chances I take in others within self honesty.

Investigate http://desteni.org/. Don’t think we can change the world? Might just need +1 more taking responsibility to tip the scales; don’t think too much about it though.

http://equalmoney.org/ placeing life over greed, ego, knowledge and what you think you know.

Day9 Cherry highgasm

When I consider the urge to masturbate or the urge for sex I think back to my first orgasm and how impresive the experience was to me. This reminds me about what I have heard about why people get addicted to cocaine, the first time someone does the drug it’s a new experience and they enjoy the “cherry high” as it is called. This cherry high is then remembered by the user and is chased after causing an addiction. The same thing can be demonstrated by the urge for sex and masturbation as the chasing of that first cherry high orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the memory of my first orgasm as it creates a desire to recreate the experience, which is impossible because there is only one first time for everything and the memory has been distorted in the mind over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time masturbating just because I have time to myself and not realizing that it’s the memory of the orgasm directing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize that the urge for an orgasm comes when the mind lazely cycles through what I could do with my time and as I spin the wheel of choices focus often lands on the choice made prominent by the memory attached to the most energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self directed when I have time to myself as it causes to often a lack of responsible action.

I commit myself to not go into the memory of the orgasm and not allow the lazy cycling of choices in the mind to take me away from self directed responsibility and instead be awake in the physical reality in consideration of what is best for all.

I commit myself to be aware of any energy riseing in my physical being that separates me and causes me to exist in past experiences so I can see in the moment what needs to be changed in real time to become a responsible being that takes care of life instead of the neglectfull consumer I have been.

Investigate http://desteni.org/ your at a disadvantageif you don’t understand your own programing.

http://equalmoney.org/ placeing life over greed, ego, knowledge and what you think you know.