Day 85 nervous about speaking (school memory)

     In this blog I will be taking on my accepted and allowed participation to nervousness and anxiety within a specific memory. Ok this one was early and has been quite suppressed and it took me a bit to get it out. Introducing myself in front of the class when switching schools, I remember getting nervous when asked to step up in front of the class and it just built up as my face filled up with blood. All I could do was to say sup or hey and wave at which point the class laughed at me.

     After ‘hey’ the class laughed and I laughed a little and the teacher told me to go sit, and as I sat I dwelled on the fact they all seen me get embarrassed. It seems that there has been a lot of times where I would first be afraid of being embarrassed and of showing it and then getting embarrassed and to me I looked like a weak stupid loser. I do remember one kid being nice after saying it was funny and actually I was trying to be funny to cover up my nervousness.

      I was in a meeting at my kids school the other day and while I was talking the memory of me getting nervous kicked in thus triggering fear of getting nervous and I started to feel myself get flush so I just stopped in mid sentence to breathe myself back to stability and began to speak again. So the problem now is me going into nervousness at the thought of putting myself in a situation where I may become nervous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect speaking to people to an emotional state of nervousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going into an emotional experience of nervousness while speaking in front of or to people, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future an idea of me participating in an emotional experience of nervousness while communicating with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking stooped and weak because I may fail at expressing myself properly through nervousness rising up inside me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to practice expressing myself in my mind to get it just right so that I can become comfortable with it, while not fully realizing and understanding that I practice in the safety of my own mind out of fear and it will never be the same as expressing myself in reality.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully realize expressing myself in reality takes practice and the ability to do it well must be cultivated through self responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a memory of me speaking in front of a class at about 8 yrs old while feeling nervous with my face turning red and then kids laughing to an idea of me looking weak and stooped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a memory of me speaking in front of a class at about 8 yrs old while I waved and said “hey” with my face turning red that then turned into laughing to an experience of negative self judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of me saying “hey” while waving, feeling nervous and embarrassed with my face turning red followed by the sound of laughter.

When and as I feel nervousness rising up inside me when I’m about to share/express myself I stop and breathe to stabilize myself here in the physical. I realize I have been participating in past memories of fear in separation of myself recreating the same consequence over and over.

I commit myself to stop participation with memories of nervousness and failed expression and to practice free expression in real time, so that I may become a dependable responsible being.

When and as I see myself setting myself up for failure towards speaking in a group I stop and I breathe. I realize that by going into future projections about speaking in a group I have been giving attention to fear while accepting and allowing it to exist in and as me.

I commit myself to stop feeding fear through future projections so that I may stop the cycle of fear and consequence of inaction, I commit myself as well to practice expressing myself in real time so that I may gain self trust and increase self responsible movement.

When and as I see myself participating in fear of looking stooped or weak I stop and breathe and give myself fair opportunity to stabilize myself. I realize fear of looking stooped and weak comes from fear of being vulnerable to abuse as well as passing judgment on other people’s intent.

I commit myself to stop participating in ideas of what others think of or may think of me and not let any judgment cause a reaction within me so that my free expression may not be hindered or compromised.

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Day84 Bullied prt2 (I see bullies)

     In this post I will start to take on the my relationship to being bullied, a lot of the bullying that happened through my school years has become a very big part of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become. I have a hard time bringing up these memories they are suppressed quite well and I made a realization today that I have very much become my own bully. Bullies get real mean if you go to tell on them, not only am I going to stand up to the bully I created in separation of myself I’m going to laugh at it or rather at myself. So time for some self forgiveness on the patterns I allow myself to perpetuate in within the bullied personality.

Bully: an aggressive person who intimidates or mistreats weaker people.

Bull-lies: (word play) ideas in the mind about other people consciously trying to do harm.

Bully: (re-definition) the perpetuating of abuse on any or all life through learned, accepted and allowed behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to super impose the idea of being a bully onto other people in my mind in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize the bull-lies I create about other people in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being bullied by other people, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moving myself in a way that would make me susceptible to being bullied.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bully myself into not exposing my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let the mind in separation of myself bully me into not responsibly moving because I know if I become more effective I will have more time to share myself and expose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself safe in self interest from being bullied while creating bull-lies in the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify lack of self responsible movement to the fact I had been bullied in the past thus making myself less than my past experiences of being bullied.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect any attempt from another to direct me to an emotional experience of fear through participating with bull-lies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word bully with a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word bully as negative, bad or wrong within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word bully through judging the word bully as negative, bad or wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word bully to criticism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word criticism with a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word criticism through judging the word criticism as negative, bad or wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not fully investigated myself as a bully.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a memory of me being cornered by a man showing rage and threatening me at age 7 to an emotional experience of fear and violence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a memory of me being cornered by a man showing rage and threatening me while experiencing fear and violence.

When and as I see myself participating in the idea of others being a bully I stop and I breathe. I realize that from my own experience bullying comes from separation of self as if it were not really you doing it making the impulse to do so bigger than us.

I commit myself to stop judging others as being a bully in my mind so that I may communicate clearly from a starting point of consideration and understanding.

When and as I see myself thinking about what others would say in relation to me expressing myself I stop and breathe. I realize I am just trying to protect myself in self interest in separating myself from reality keeping myself enslaved to the mind.

I commit myself to stop thinking about what others would say about something I would express and simply be sure in myself that I am expressing myself in consideration of what is best for all.

When and as I see myself hesitating to share I stop and I breathe. I realize this hesitating comes from lack of self trust and not realizing I can only change and become effective through practice in the physical.

I commit myself to stop participating in fear of sharing so that I may free myself to move responsibly to stand up for life.

When and as I see myself justifying lack of self movement and discipline through memories and blaming the past I stop and breathe. I realize I have been using lack of self discipline from my past to justify lack of self discipline now and only I can walk myself out of this pattern.

I commit myself to stop blaming my past for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and direct myself to become more effective so that I may indeed become a trust worthy being.

When and as I perceive another acting as a bully I stop and breathe. I realize this comes from fear of judgment and judging others as well.

I commit myself to stop imposing bull-lies onto other people and so that I may see who I am within any given moment and be self honest about how I am moving myself.

I commit myself to fully investigate my own acts of bullying so that I can become a trust worthy being that can create stability in our shared reality.

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Day 83 bullied (I know why)

     I’m going to write here on my past experience with being bullied. This is something that I have suppressed and have thought to be taken care of because I had already within myself forgiven the bullies but I see a lot of who I am today is because I had justified my struggling through the idea the world had beaten me down. I don’t see how it could not be affecting me now it’s, how I perceive my whole youth. I didn’t learn too much through school and didn’t create much good work habit because I was always scared to death and the bullying was relentless until about 16 when I started walking around just hoping someone would try, “please someone try to mess with me” yep, was walking around with quite the chip on my shoulder and for some reason that was pretty much it for the bullying. Shit I can feel some anger rise up now, it’s actually kind of funny whenever I hear someone on the tv reporting a student opened fire on his fellow students and they are asking how something like this could happen, I say it out loud “I know why”.

     Let’s take a look at how things can get so bad starting with the source of bullying, the majority if not all the wage slave parents (who learned from their parents). All these kids who are significantly smaller and weaker than their parents who have to do what their told “or else!” sometimes even getting smacked or worse and all the kinds of stuff kids get screamed/yelled at, then take that example and find someone weaker than them and unleash it on them. So this smaller weaker kid who had learned the consequences of standing up against being attacked just keeps looking weaker and weaker. All this abuse just funnels down to the one who will take it the most. Then this individual has all this stored up abuse inside and if he’s lucky he grows up and finds a way to deal with it and has a great appreciation for growing up in a country with strict gun laws. You know it was hard to write this because I felt like a loser for being bullied but none of the bs I had to go through gets past me! Till here no further! Remeber there is no one to blame it just has to stop. To further understand the problem and solution please watch- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1VIHlQUcZI and the video that helped me get this out- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRIL_m6BWnA

Self forgiveness and corrective statements to come.

Day82 fear of death and loss of oportunity

     I’m writing here a blog in relation to fear of death specifically a fear of loss connected to it. The fear of loss I will address is loss of opportunity to have not left misery behind for others and doing nothing substantial about it. At first I wanted to write about the world as a whole but I’m going to zero in even closer, in the spirit of prevention I will take on fear of my children suffering if death comes along and they have to face the world without me. In this I can be more clear and practical in my parenting so I don’t pass on my BS fears to them. I have put a nice bit of pressure on myself connecting the fact I helped bring them here - to any and every bit of pain and misery they will experience. Looking practically at this world I’m going to have to plead insanity.

     It’s easy for us all to be short sighted and not consider future challenges for the next generation, to consider what your kids may have to go through or how about what your kids will have to see their grand children will have to go through. Seems like a lot to consider but still short sighted because I’m not looking outside my own bloodline. Like me, most likely it seems my great grandchildren (if there is any) will know of great abuse and suffering in this world and you can turn a blind eye but no amount of distraction can make you un-know it. Simply by neglecting to consider how we as individual aspects of this reality create the abuse of life through actions and neglect we will consequentially keep creating it and will likely accelerate the abuse.

     Consider our use of fossil fuels; we have become very dependent on oil coal and natural gas which are finite, so one way or another we are going to stop using them. As of now the responsibility of the extraction, processing and distribution of these resources are in the hands of a select few and we all (us lucky ones) contribute to the burning of these fuels. I mean we will responsibly change to renewable energy or the fact that it runs out will force us to and a forced change will probably be painful. Never mind this difficult change of switching to renewable energy; consider the impact on water, air and nature from continued burning of these fossil fuels. It’s unlikely things are going to change any time soon in regards to fossil fuels because - it’s profitable and easy. See the documentary on you tube called ‘blind spot’ to further understand how and why the abuse of life from fossil fuels are most likely to continue. Also check out a video called ‘fracking hell’ to see how people and nature suffers now from an abusive system of profit and greed.

     If you don’t like what your reading here just give yourself a moment to stop and breathe, the things most in need of tending in this world often come attached to negative uncomfortable emotions and we will not take responsibility for these things if we let negative emotions get in the way, fear is useless and can make us feel small and unable to change things.

     Now it’s time for me to write out some self forgiveness to take responsibility for myself to change my accepted and allowed relationship towards fear of dying and loss of opportunity to do what I want to do for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying and have wasted an opportunity to change the world my kids will have to live in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what my children may have to go through without my support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being here to protect my children from the consequences of neglecting our reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having the time to help my kids with the realization of ‘negative’ situations about this existence so that they do not place a connection to fear or negative charge to such situations that would serve to make these situations feel bigger than them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my kids getting swept away in the insanity of humanity without my guidance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing at death a missed opportunity to help others be stable that my kids will have to share a world with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing at death leaving consequence behind for my children through taking more from this existence than giving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize that now in the current capitalist system; giving back to the earth in support of life more than I take is impossible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being a cause of pain and suffering simply by bringing my kids here.

When and as I see myself participating in fear of missing an opportunity to change the world for the better I stop and I breathe. I realize our shared consequences have made a world that may be impossible to sort out but I can take responsibility and know that I did so.

I commit myself to no longer participate in fear of not changing the world so that it does not get in the way of me simply taking responsibility.

 When and as I see myself participating in fear of what my kids would have to go through without me, I stop and I breathe. I realize this fear comes from future projections of teaching them how to cope and is a fear of loss of opportunity to do so. Also I realize fearing death is not going to stop death from coming so it is useless to fear.

I commit myself to stop participating in fear of loss and future projections pertaining to teaching my kids how to cope in this reality so that I may be clearer in my parenting with the time I have with them.

 When and as I see myself reacting to the idea of the word my children will have to face, I stop and breathe. I realize the fear of the world my children will have to face is just my fear of the manifested consequences we all participate in creating.

I commit myself to stop reacting with fear towards the consequences created and are being created so that I may practically take on responsibility towards our shared consequences and in this I commit myself to continue educating myself about what needs to be fixed and how; to simply make the practical transition to student/educator.

When and as I see myself participating in self judgment for any pain or suffering my kids will have to go through, I stop and breathe and be self honest about whether I am moving myself practically or am being directed through reaction. I realize I have been transferring my past experience of uncomfortable and painful emotions into future projections in my imagination - generating fear and anxiety.

I commit myself to stop judging myself and stop participation with future projections of my kids dealing with uncomfortable and or painful emotions so they don’t learn from me to react to their environment/world the same way I have, so that certain realizations, consequences or events do not = fear or self judgment.

http://desteni.org/

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http://economistjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Day81 commitment resistance#6 determinism- SF+CS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the belief of determinism believing I can’t make a commitment and stand by it because everything I will do is already written in stone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of making commitments because I existed within the belief the past has already decided who I am, as I see myself too often not standing by commitments, as I blame and justify my actions with determinism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self interest using determinism to justify continuing my accepted and allowed patterns of abuse through action and neglect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word determinism to the idea of not having any control and in this separate myself from existence, blaming all of existence for how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and what I accept and allow in and as existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word determinism with a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a determinist to create an idea of superiority because of so called great minds that have called themselves determinists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize any belief, idea or definition of myself in the mind as nothing but an abstract illusion that creates confusion enslaving myself to the mind not realizing myself as life that I continue abusing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live in self direction as what determines the action I take in the physical to create myself in self perfection to stand for what is best for all as equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live as life undefined by past actions as living in memory serves as distraction from being ‘here’ self directing responsibly in and as the physical.

I commit myself to stop defining myself with a belief in determinism, till here no further. In this I further my commitment to retraining myself to move ‘here’ in the physical in every moment of every breath gaining self trust until what is best for all is the only actions written in stone. I no longer accept and allow the justification of determinism as a scapegoat to not take responsibility, if at any time thought, feeling or emotion comes up when making a commitment I stop, I breath and commit regarding what is best for all in self trust and clear all doubt.

I further my commitment to stop separating myself with abstract not real belief by exploring through self honesty and writing self forgiveness so as too longer be directed by illusion so there is nothing that serves as an excuse or justification to continue abusing through action and neglect toward our shared reality.

http://desteni.org/

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Day80 commitment resistance #6 determinism

     So continuing on with exploring my resistance to commitment I am going to look at my relationship to determinism and how I accept and allow a belief that I cannot or may not take responsibility and that it’s really not up to me, this was in the past a point of superiority where I felt my belief was absolute but the way I interact with this belief is no different than the abdication of responsibility that comes from saying ‘it’s god’s will’. The consequences of believing in this detour-mind-ism is self doubt in making a commitment and committing myself in my self-direction, also I will continue to be a slave to my past memories, past acceptances and allowances as well as not become the creator of myself in my decision of who I am and will be. No belief is required to move myself!

Ism: a movement, doctrine, or system of belief

Determinism: the doctrine or belief that everything, including every human act, is caused by something and that there is no real free will.

Some word play-

Detour-mind-ism: detoured by a belief in the mind from self directed responsible action.

Debtor-MYnd-ism – my debtor ism: feeling a lack of power due to always owing something to someone or something in my mind, in debt to my past while enslaved to guilt and self judgment letting my past tell me who I am.

Debtor synonyms: nonpayer, defaulter, cheat. All words used in self judgment.

Self forgiveness and commitment statements to come…

 Forgive your self!!!!

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Day79 commitment resistance#5 dark side

     A couple days ago I had a nice little laugh at myself and just the pure craziness I exist in. Like many times before I had walked by my guitar and when seeing it I have an impulse to pick it up, at this time it was obviously not the best choice for anyone let alone what is best for all. So with my eyes fixed on the guitar I say “no I’m not giving in” then immediately go into “wait, I don’t have to give in to not giving in”. Through self honesty and a new gained awareness through writing and the desteni I process I was able to catch myself doing this, not only fully realizing what I was doing in this moment of ‘deciding’ but realizing how so many times I’ve done this in the past.

     I have a vague memory of how this started, in my past while participating within the polarity of good and evil I decided that participating in my ‘evil side’ was how to face fear, though the participation of evil was mostly in the mind it did to some degree direct me in reality and has a lot to do with the consequences I struggle with now – and though karma had come to kick my butt I did gain self honesty through trying to not give into fearing my ‘dark side’. I’ve had my butt kicked enough though; time to forgive myself and commit to not separating myself with a ‘dark side’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of good and evil where the ‘good’ choice triggers the ‘bad’ choice. I realize participating within this polarity leads to not taking self directive responsibility and my direction is left to chance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “no I’m not giving in” to the thought “I don’t have to give in to not giving in”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought “no I’m not giving in” to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought “I don’t have to give in to not giving in”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into self interest while choosing to give in or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge ‘giving in’ as evil.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge ‘not giving in’ as good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to energetically charge giving in to ‘evil’ as exciting, with energy spiking vertically through the heart and spiking in my eyes as they widen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect not giving in to impulses to an emotional experience of anxiety as I see myself giving in to impulses all too often.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the idea of ‘giving in’ through judging it as ‘evil’, ‘bad’ and wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation from myself through the idea/belief of having a dark side.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ego through having a ‘dark side’ in the secrecy of my own mind where I think I’m fooling people because no one can see my thoughts.

I commit myself to stop participation within the polarity of good and evil, I slow myself down through breathing and move myself in consideration of what is best for all when faced with thoughts, feelings and emotions towards making a choice so that I am moving myself in self direction here in the physical.

Whenever a thought come up in relation to “no I’m not giving in” or “I don’t have to give in to not giving in” I stop myself and make sure that nothing is moving me but me and direct myself here responsibly in the physical.

I commit myself to no longer separate myself through the idea/belief of having a darks side, if and when thoughts feelings and emotions come up in relation to having a dark side, I train myself to stop immediately and direct myself as equal and one with the physical with no imaginary dark side in the secrecy of the mind, realizing it as a self created belief that serves to justify not taking responsibility and can only serve to create abusive consequences.

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