In this blog I will be taking on my
accepted and allowed participation to nervousness and anxiety within a specific
memory. Ok this one was early and has been quite suppressed and it took me a
bit to get it out. Introducing myself in front of the class when switching
schools, I remember getting nervous when asked to step up in front of the class
and it just built up as my face filled up with blood. All I could do was to say
sup or hey and wave at which point the class laughed at me.
After ‘hey’ the class laughed and I laughed a
little and the teacher told me to go sit, and as I sat I dwelled on the fact
they all seen me get embarrassed. It seems that there has been a lot of
times where I would first be afraid of being embarrassed and of showing
it and then getting embarrassed and to me I looked like a weak stupid
loser. I do remember one kid being nice after saying it was funny and actually
I was trying to be funny to cover up my nervousness.
I was in a meeting at my
kids school the other day and while I was talking the memory of me getting
nervous kicked in thus triggering fear of getting nervous and I started to feel
myself get flush so I just stopped in mid sentence to breathe myself back to
stability and began to speak again. So the problem now is me going into
nervousness at the thought of putting myself in a situation where I may become
nervous.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect speaking
to people to an emotional state of nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear going into an
emotional experience of nervousness while speaking in front of or to people,
thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the
future an idea of me participating in an emotional experience of nervousness
while communicating with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking stooped
and weak because I may fail at expressing myself properly through nervousness
rising up inside me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to practice
expressing myself in my mind to get it just right so that I can become
comfortable with it, while not fully realizing and understanding that I
practice in the safety of my own mind out of fear and it will never be the same
as expressing myself in reality.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fully realize
expressing myself in reality takes practice and the ability to do it well must
be cultivated through self responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a memory
of me speaking in front of a class at about 8 yrs old while feeling nervous
with my face turning red and then kids laughing to an idea of me looking weak
and stooped.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a memory
of me speaking in front of a class at about 8 yrs old while I waved and said “hey”
with my face turning red that then turned into laughing to an experience of
negative self judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to a
memory of me saying “hey” while waving, feeling nervous and embarrassed with my
face turning red followed by the sound of laughter.
When and as I feel nervousness rising up inside me when I’m about to
share/express myself I stop and breathe to stabilize myself here in the
physical. I realize I have been participating in past memories of fear in separation
of myself recreating the same consequence over and over.
I commit myself to stop participation with memories of nervousness and
failed expression and to practice free expression in real time, so that I may
become a dependable responsible being.
When and as I see myself setting myself up for failure towards speaking in
a group I stop and I breathe. I realize that by going into future projections
about speaking in a group I have been giving attention to fear while accepting
and allowing it to exist in and as me.
I commit myself to stop feeding fear through future projections so that
I may stop the cycle of fear and consequence of inaction, I commit myself as
well to practice expressing myself in real time so that I may gain self trust
and increase self responsible movement.
When and as I see myself participating in fear of looking stooped or
weak I stop and breathe and give myself fair opportunity to stabilize myself. I
realize fear of looking stooped and weak comes from fear of being vulnerable to
abuse as well as passing judgment on other people’s intent.
I commit myself to stop participating in ideas of what others think of
or may think of me and not let any judgment cause a reaction within me so that
my free expression may not be hindered or compromised.
