Day 83 bullied (I know why)

     I’m going to write here on my past experience with being bullied. This is something that I have suppressed and have thought to be taken care of because I had already within myself forgiven the bullies but I see a lot of who I am today is because I had justified my struggling through the idea the world had beaten me down. I don’t see how it could not be affecting me now it’s, how I perceive my whole youth. I didn’t learn too much through school and didn’t create much good work habit because I was always scared to death and the bullying was relentless until about 16 when I started walking around just hoping someone would try, “please someone try to mess with me” yep, was walking around with quite the chip on my shoulder and for some reason that was pretty much it for the bullying. Shit I can feel some anger rise up now, it’s actually kind of funny whenever I hear someone on the tv reporting a student opened fire on his fellow students and they are asking how something like this could happen, I say it out loud “I know why”.

     Let’s take a look at how things can get so bad starting with the source of bullying, the majority if not all the wage slave parents (who learned from their parents). All these kids who are significantly smaller and weaker than their parents who have to do what their told “or else!” sometimes even getting smacked or worse and all the kinds of stuff kids get screamed/yelled at, then take that example and find someone weaker than them and unleash it on them. So this smaller weaker kid who had learned the consequences of standing up against being attacked just keeps looking weaker and weaker. All this abuse just funnels down to the one who will take it the most. Then this individual has all this stored up abuse inside and if he’s lucky he grows up and finds a way to deal with it and has a great appreciation for growing up in a country with strict gun laws. You know it was hard to write this because I felt like a loser for being bullied but none of the bs I had to go through gets past me! Till here no further! Remeber there is no one to blame it just has to stop. To further understand the problem and solution please watch- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1VIHlQUcZI and the video that helped me get this out- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRIL_m6BWnA

Self forgiveness and corrective statements to come.

Day82 fear of death and loss of oportunity

     I’m writing here a blog in relation to fear of death specifically a fear of loss connected to it. The fear of loss I will address is loss of opportunity to have not left misery behind for others and doing nothing substantial about it. At first I wanted to write about the world as a whole but I’m going to zero in even closer, in the spirit of prevention I will take on fear of my children suffering if death comes along and they have to face the world without me. In this I can be more clear and practical in my parenting so I don’t pass on my BS fears to them. I have put a nice bit of pressure on myself connecting the fact I helped bring them here - to any and every bit of pain and misery they will experience. Looking practically at this world I’m going to have to plead insanity.

     It’s easy for us all to be short sighted and not consider future challenges for the next generation, to consider what your kids may have to go through or how about what your kids will have to see their grand children will have to go through. Seems like a lot to consider but still short sighted because I’m not looking outside my own bloodline. Like me, most likely it seems my great grandchildren (if there is any) will know of great abuse and suffering in this world and you can turn a blind eye but no amount of distraction can make you un-know it. Simply by neglecting to consider how we as individual aspects of this reality create the abuse of life through actions and neglect we will consequentially keep creating it and will likely accelerate the abuse.

     Consider our use of fossil fuels; we have become very dependent on oil coal and natural gas which are finite, so one way or another we are going to stop using them. As of now the responsibility of the extraction, processing and distribution of these resources are in the hands of a select few and we all (us lucky ones) contribute to the burning of these fuels. I mean we will responsibly change to renewable energy or the fact that it runs out will force us to and a forced change will probably be painful. Never mind this difficult change of switching to renewable energy; consider the impact on water, air and nature from continued burning of these fossil fuels. It’s unlikely things are going to change any time soon in regards to fossil fuels because - it’s profitable and easy. See the documentary on you tube called ‘blind spot’ to further understand how and why the abuse of life from fossil fuels are most likely to continue. Also check out a video called ‘fracking hell’ to see how people and nature suffers now from an abusive system of profit and greed.

     If you don’t like what your reading here just give yourself a moment to stop and breathe, the things most in need of tending in this world often come attached to negative uncomfortable emotions and we will not take responsibility for these things if we let negative emotions get in the way, fear is useless and can make us feel small and unable to change things.

     Now it’s time for me to write out some self forgiveness to take responsibility for myself to change my accepted and allowed relationship towards fear of dying and loss of opportunity to do what I want to do for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying and have wasted an opportunity to change the world my kids will have to live in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what my children may have to go through without my support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being here to protect my children from the consequences of neglecting our reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having the time to help my kids with the realization of ‘negative’ situations about this existence so that they do not place a connection to fear or negative charge to such situations that would serve to make these situations feel bigger than them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my kids getting swept away in the insanity of humanity without my guidance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing at death a missed opportunity to help others be stable that my kids will have to share a world with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing at death leaving consequence behind for my children through taking more from this existence than giving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize that now in the current capitalist system; giving back to the earth in support of life more than I take is impossible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being a cause of pain and suffering simply by bringing my kids here.

When and as I see myself participating in fear of missing an opportunity to change the world for the better I stop and I breathe. I realize our shared consequences have made a world that may be impossible to sort out but I can take responsibility and know that I did so.

I commit myself to no longer participate in fear of not changing the world so that it does not get in the way of me simply taking responsibility.

 When and as I see myself participating in fear of what my kids would have to go through without me, I stop and I breathe. I realize this fear comes from future projections of teaching them how to cope and is a fear of loss of opportunity to do so. Also I realize fearing death is not going to stop death from coming so it is useless to fear.

I commit myself to stop participating in fear of loss and future projections pertaining to teaching my kids how to cope in this reality so that I may be clearer in my parenting with the time I have with them.

 When and as I see myself reacting to the idea of the word my children will have to face, I stop and breathe. I realize the fear of the world my children will have to face is just my fear of the manifested consequences we all participate in creating.

I commit myself to stop reacting with fear towards the consequences created and are being created so that I may practically take on responsibility towards our shared consequences and in this I commit myself to continue educating myself about what needs to be fixed and how; to simply make the practical transition to student/educator.

When and as I see myself participating in self judgment for any pain or suffering my kids will have to go through, I stop and breathe and be self honest about whether I am moving myself practically or am being directed through reaction. I realize I have been transferring my past experience of uncomfortable and painful emotions into future projections in my imagination - generating fear and anxiety.

I commit myself to stop judging myself and stop participation with future projections of my kids dealing with uncomfortable and or painful emotions so they don’t learn from me to react to their environment/world the same way I have, so that certain realizations, consequences or events do not = fear or self judgment.

http://desteni.org/

http://eqafe.com/

http://equalmoney.org/

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

 

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