Day 87 Anger towards limitations

     Alright it’s time to take on some anger, this anger comes out in back chat towards others, sometimes people get to see it in small doses. I realize this anger that gets directed towards others is merely anger at myself and my self inflicted limitations. I get angry about what I cannot have and what I cannot do, often getting mad at the people around me that I feel obliged to do things for or are not doing certain things for me.

     I put myself in my position where I seemingly can do little good or get what I want/desire and I get mad. Really I should not have to wait until consequences are about to end me before I start to sort things out and I need to be able to count on myself, before I can count on anyone else. Whether it’s family problems or problems in the world I need to move and getting angry causes more problems and wastes time.

     One point that comes up about me getting angry is my kids fighting with each other. A few days ago I sat down and thought maybe I could get away with doing some writing while my kids were playing with each other. I had a sense that I would get interrupted and sure enough as soon as I started they started fighting and I yelled “stop it!” now I would probably not had an outburst if I was not already charging myself up with anger/anticipation. This anger is also set up with blame towards others which is not helpful or practically justifiable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within charging up anger while anticipating being interrupted in a task by my kids.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself with an emotional experience of rising anger while anticipating being interrupted by my kids.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being interrupted by my kids during a task to an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set myself up to react in anger through directing anger towards others because I’m the only one available to deal with my kids fighting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself both from being ‘here’ writing and being ‘here’ with my kids through participating in an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry towards my reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself through participating in an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a lack of options or ‘my time’ to an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect obligations to an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to not ‘have to’ take care of responsibilities/obligation that are in my immediate environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time getting angry about what I’m not doing instead of moving myself without self imposed limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize anger towards others as a distraction from realizing I’m angry at myself for my participation in putting myself in my physical limitations/consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value myself equally within whatever I am experiencing instead of imagining what I could be experiencing, which then triggers an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my limits within my reality and allow this blame through back chat to lead to an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in self judgment to think I’m not good enough to do this because I have given into anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a rising of anger within me when confronted with no choice but to deal with/interact with others in my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be fully present enough within my environment to deal with anything in a way that is best for all, while standing equal and one with beings I interact with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize the steps I have to take to practically sort myself out as I project myself into future illusory realities and get angry about how much needs to be sorted out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need, want and desire to change the world ‘out there’ or around me while not fully understanding that there is no promise that anything will change significantly outside of me – but I can take responsibility for who I am within it all.

When and as I see myself starting to charge up anger through anticipating being interrupted I stop and I breathe and be self responsible for being stable. I realize I have yet to move smoothly into a task without separating myself and abdicating myself to the mind.

I commit myself to stop separating myself from my responsibilities through participating in anger and anticipation in order to be able to move effectively ‘here’ in the physical through breathing and being aware of myself in whatever I am doing, so that I may become effective in my daily living.

When and as I see myself projecting anger towards others for not being available to ‘deal’ with my kids I stop and breathe. I realize this is just me not wanting to take responsibility and wanting someone else to do it which is a pattern that causes great consequences both in my immediate environment and my world.

I commit myself to stop directing anger towards others that could be taking responsibility and stop setting myself up to react in anger so that I may become stable and in turn increase the amount of responsibility I can take on without self imposed limitations and wasting time in thoughts and emotions.

When and as I see myself participating in an emotional experience of anger towards obligations I stop and I breathe and move myself responsibly to take care of obligations. I realize I have been judging some activities as greater than others, creating angst/anger towards not being able to do other things while not realizing reality is always in my face and ignoring it or getting angry just creates more consequences.

I commit myself to stop reacting in anger towards my responsibilities and train myself to take care of them in the best most fluid way I can manage.

When and as I see myself imagining what I would rather be or could be doing, I stop and breathe. I realize I have been getting angry over a lack of choice and am passing blame onto others that are just as ‘stuck’ as I am.

I commit myself to stop participating in anger within a desire to do other things so that I may take on any given task responsibly in the moment.

When and as I see myself participating in back chat towards others and blaming them for my ‘stuck’ experience I stop and breathe before anger starts to rise within me. I realize that by not being here in the physical my mind is free to take me in any direction including out bursts of anger.

I commit myself to stop nasty back chat towards others before it has a chance to develop into an emotional reaction so that I stop creating consequences for myself and others and instead create stability in my world.

When and as I see myself in self judgment towards an emotion reaction I participate in, I stop and breathe. I realize that participation in self judgment only compounds the problem of me creating consequences.

I commit myself to fully investigate in self awareness and self honesty any point of myself reacting in anger so that I may get to the root of the problem and take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

When and as I see myself participating in anger towards having someone in my face or have to address others in my environment I stop and breathe and make sure to stand one and equal with whomever I am to interact with. I realize I give into emotional reaction easily when others are emotionally reacting and this is just simply being lazy going for the ‘quick fix’.

I commit myself to train myself to always be calm and able to access situations with others using common sense so that I may create stability rather than compound instability.

When and as I see myself participating in anger through a desire to change things ‘out there’, I stop and I breathe and move myself self honestly taking responsibility for who I am within any given moment.

I commit myself to stop participation with anger through desire to change things outside of myself and become self intimate to realize who I am and take self responsibility so I may become a source of stability here in the physical.

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Day86 smoking lack of awareness

     Taking a look here at my smoking ‘addiction’ I realize I am deciding to continue to smoke, though for the most part unconsciously deciding as I’ve trained myself to smoke, though there are times I consciously notice I’m grabbing for a smoke or notice I am smoking. First problem I need to address is the truth of how unaware of myself I am thus not taking responsibility for who I am in oh so many moments of breath. If I can’t take self responsibility for all of myself – this physical body and not care enough to do so I cannot be trusted, I wouldn’t suggest it. Secondly the times I am consciously aware of grabbing or smoking a cigarette I most often give myself permission with the idea I’ll quit later, the thought “just one more” or anxiety will come up about putting it down as I slip away into unconscious mode and internal conversations; then there is the rare occasions where I watch myself smoke a whole cigarette just watching in curiosity exposing my total indifference. 3^rd problem is trigger points such as walking through a door especially going outside as well as the running out of time to have one or won’t have a chance to have one for a while, waking up in the morning etc.

     There are actually a lot of dimensions to why I smoke, why I started and what I am trying to suppress within me in terms of negative self image/ego. There’s too much to walk in one post so I will walk self forgiveness and corrective application on the lack of awareness and the aware choice towards smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself free choice as to whether or not I smoke.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not close the door on free choice to make sure I am taking full responsibility for my actions as not smoking is the best choice for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make a firm commitment within me to stop smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not always be fully aware that I am grabbing a cigarette or smoking one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to be indifferent towards smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to go ahead and smoke while aware I am grabbing a cigarette.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “it’s ok” or “oh well” to give myself permission to smoke while aware of the choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to smoke when I notice I am smoking a cigarette.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to care about myself enough to shut the door on free choice towards smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep cigarettes easily accessible to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slip out of awareness and carry on smoking instead of taking full responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into subconscious/unconscious habit instead of taking responsibility for myself here while aware of my breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine I will quit smoking while not fully realizing each cigarette I have is a choice, whether it is in awareness or in separation of myself giving away self responsibility to the mind.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use cigarettes to suppress fear and anxiety throughout my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my anxiety will swell if I do not give in to smoking as I retreat into unconscious mode with my tail between my legs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsibility for my anxiety and face myself.

When and as I see the choice to smoke come up I stop and I breathe. I realize the choice to smoke exists so I can carry on hiding from myself and reality as I do not really like my life.

I commit myself to stop having a choice to smoke and to push through and transcend the point of smoking so that I may gain self trust and stop abusing my physical body as well as wasting money.

When and as I see myself participating in any part of smoking from grabbing for one to the act of smoking I stop and breathe. I realize the act of unconscious smoking is for the same reason I am not aware of breath – so that I do not have to take self responsibility and face myself.

I commit myself to stop participating in smoking cigarettes at every part of participation until I am done with it for good so that I may become more effective in my daily living increasing self responsible action.

When and as I see myself participating in back chat such as “it’s ok” or “oh well” to give myself permission to smoke I stop and I breathe. I realize this back chat as indifference; a fake indifference to cover up emotions towards the idea that the odds are against me as I take the easy path of giving up.

I commit myself to stop participating with giving myself permission to smoke and train myself to stop giving myself permission to give up on myself so that I no longer have to see myself causing more abuse than necessary. I realize giving up on myself is just permission to be abusive towards myself and my world.

When and as I see myself enabling myself by keeping cigarettes easily accessible I stop and breathe and keep them out of reach. I realize by keeping cigarettes close is from a belief I will give in and am setting myself up for failure.

I commit myself to stop setting myself up for failure to prevent the act of smoking to teach myself to use prevention as a cure so that I may become proficient at solving problems.

When and as I see myself participating in future projections by imagining I will quit, I stop and breathe and take self responsibility in the moment. I realize imaging I will quit is a way of giving myself permission in the moment.

I commit myself to stop imagining I will quit and fully realize my responsibility within a moment of breath so that I may gain self trust and increase/accumulate breaths in awareness of myself.

When and as I see myself participating in fear and anxiety with an urge to smoke I stop and breathe and direct myself to investigate the source of fear/anxiety and not back down to these emotions. I realize these emotions are only serving to keep me safe from taking responsibility for unsavory circumstances/consequences.

I commit myself to train myself to take responsibility no matter how I judge circumstances and to clear my negative or positive judgments of any circumstance or consequence so that I may remove self imposed limitation through separation.

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