Day 72 Facing self interest starting point

This will be a continuation from http://mattgusba.blogspot.ca/2012/11/day68-facing-self-interest-defenses.html

I have been directed by my desire to redeem myself of all the time I ‘wasted’ seeking answers. I can see this reflected in my mind creating much time wasted in future projections as I plot and plan the actions I want to take.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by a desire to have some kind of pay off for my time seeking truth consequentially not seeing the extent of the consequences that need to be walked through to stand up for life responsibly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear that I wasted my time as if my past is some kind of commodity and I want to be paid for it. The consequences for this fear are rushing to try to change myself and anxiety towards what is not getting done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of failing to change the world which would mean to me that I wasted my life, not seeing realizing and understanding the mess I’ve created in self interest and shifting between negative and positive polarity as I judge myself according to perceived consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of exposing my self-interest as an ego trying to save the world, as I walk on eggshells trying to save the world but trying not to look like I’m trying to save the world, in this I see realize and understand that I have been playing a game of deception with myself in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize what it means to stand up as a self responsible example within the equality equation and actually move myself without being directed by self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in negative self judgment towards wasting time in self sabotage through having my starting point be one of self interest, I see realize and understand now the true nature of deception I have been existing as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in self interest as a desire to be seen doing something about the world to create a positive self image instead of applying myself as the living word, living as responsibility equal and one as the physical.

I commit myself to stop being moved by self interest as need, want and desire to be paid with results of positive self image and bring myself here as breath checking to see if anything is moving me to be clear that my starting point is always what is best for all, in this I see realize and understand I am training myself to move without self interest which requires extensive re-education.

I commit myself to stop existing in the past viewing time I have spent as a commodity - viewing myself as what I have done and been through; any time I spend time in the mind viewing my past search for answers will be a reminder to be here in the moment equal and one as breath as I will know I would be being directed by self interest as opposed to self direction.

I commit myself to stop the deception of ignoring my self-interest in trying to save the world and desiring some positive outcome for myself as an ego so I can stop using and abusing others and all life, in this I commit myself to becoming self-responsibly here as breath so I can give what has been given to me and not just consume. Here I take a stand to stop the separation through participating with the idea of my time – till here no further.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ find out what it means to stand as a responsible being that stands up for life.

http://equalmoney.org/ Lets place value on life with equal money.

Day71 Time is limited

     Time is running out constantly, I’ve wasted a lot of time, it will be time to do something soon with only so much time to do it and I wonder what would be the best use of my time. Seems there is no getting around being limited by time but it does limit me more than it has to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards running out of time as I want to produce desired results within a certain amount of time. The consequence of this is running on in my mind about what I want to get done creating a waste of time which in turn creates more anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation from the physical creating an idea and feeling of time passing in my mind like an inner clock fueled by and made from anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of judgment if I’m not making the best use of my time, I see this fear as protection of my self-image fearing others would see me as lazy. I realize the consequence of this is anxiety about running out of time and still more wasted time in the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in negative self judgment towards wasting time as I form a belief about myself that I am not effective instead of practically looking to see how I am creating myself to be less effective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards events coming up in the future at specific times where I create future projections in the mind as I mind the clock.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety toward taking too much time on a task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards deadlines as I waste time in the mind thinking about what needs to be done in a certain amount of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards realizing I’m wasting time or have been wasting time in my mind.

I commit myself to stop participating with anxiety towards time realizing I do need to know what time it is to practically make the most out of time, if I see myself in participation with this anxiety I stop and breathe myself back to the physical and direct myself considering what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop participate with feelings, thoughts and emotions towards being judged for not making the most of my time and in this I further my commitment to training myself to make the most out of every moment of breath.

I commit myself to not participate in anxiety towards running out of time and wasting time to stop living in the past dwelling on time that does not exist in the current moment of breath and not dwelling on time that is not here yet, realizing past and future as mere illusion.

 

Learn to utilize the tools of self forgiveness at  http://desteni.org/

And please investigate http://equalmoney.org/

Day 70 Needing approval

     I’ve come to realize something about responsibly standing up for what is best for all; no one needs to like it, not even me. Here is some self forgiveness on needing other people’s approval.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of disproval of what I decide to do with my time as this fear protects me in self interest so I don’t have to deal with other people’s emotions. This fear can only serve to keep me from standing up for life, keeping me in line to serve other people’s expectations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope for some kind of approval when taking on a task as if I need to know I am protected from judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get frustrated over the fact that someone may judge my actions without realizing what the most efficient use of my time is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with the “fuck off” backchat when someone says I need to be doing something as opposed to what I decide to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as guilt in not seeing myself move efficiently during my day as I justify being told how to move by others, in this I see I go into negative self judgment and as I blame others for the way I feel I go into a state of suppressed anger as I want to retaliate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger towards feeling like I have too much to deal with as in having to deal with my responsibilities and other peoples approval when in fact I am creating unnecessary consequence such as wasting time in my mind, lack of self movement and just wanting to give up.

I commit myself to when faced with any thought, feeling or emotion about someone disapproving my actions I stop, I breathe myself into the physical and direct myself in consideration of what is best for all.

I commit myself to not wait till I feel I have approval to move myself realizing it’s up to me to decide what is the most effective way to move, if someone has something to say about what I am doing- I practically consider what is being said and direct myself in terms of what is best for all to the best of my ability.

 

Learn to utilize the tools of self forgiveness at  http://desteni.org/

And please investigate http://equalmoney.org/

Day69 error, satisfaction not found

     I’m not enjoying myself and part of the reason is I am trying to extract some kind of enjoyment out of things that are just not enjoyable. For example, a nice cup of hot coffee in my mind is believed to be enjoyable when in fact it’s really just the heat that I get any enjoyment from and that enjoyment is very minimal. On a daily bases I over caffeinate myself to get some kind of satisfaction that is just not happening. The consequence of this addiction to coffee is it makes me very sluggish, it messes with my sleep and wastes my time and most of all makes me less effective in anything I do including enjoying myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be fully aware of whether or not I am actually enjoying myself within my daily living as I mostly am just sabotaging myself and causing health issues.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be fully aware that I have been trying to find satisfaction constantly without actually doing anything that is satisfying.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form beliefs that I enjoy acts such as drinking coffee or smoking cigarettes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being stimulated to enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety in being bored to direct me to find a quick fix in easy time consuming habits. I realize the consequence is that I don’t take on new challenges or find better healthier and more constructive things to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards tasks that take multiple steps to complete as I rely on pictures in my head to know how to work through a task and if I can’t hold all the pictures in my mind I give up on the task in my mind. I realize this is when I opt to take on a one picture task and try to draw some satisfaction from it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with pictures that flash in the mind as the minds interpretation of the physical as I rely on the minds picture interpretation as instruction to move in the physical. I see as I give into these instructions that I neglect to direct myself to even consider common sense in my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to maintain a certain physical state that is unhealthy just because it’s what I’ve become accustomed to.

I commit myself to slow down to see and consider if my actions are mere acts of futility or self sabotage and instead consider more constructive tasks that are not just time wasters.

I commit myself to stop the beliefs about whether or not something is enjoyable and to slow down and investigate if have formed any belief about whether something is enjoyable or not.

I commit myself to stop sabotaging my human physical body with substances just for the sake of having something to do or find some easy satisfaction while abusing myself.

I commit myself to stop relying on pictures to be able to move or to direct me at all, instead of trying to hold multiple pictures in my mind I move myself start to finish breath by breath, if and when I get a picture flash I stop I breathe and direct myself here in the physical.

I commit myself to be patient with my physical state as in how I feel and stick to practical common sense to see if what I’m doing is healthy.

 

Learn to utilize the tools of self forgiveness at  http://desteni.org/

And please investigate http://equalmoney.org/

Day68 Facing self interest defenses

     I am going to start chipping away here at my self-interest, it seems there may be many layers to this as in self interest I defend my self-interest. As I realize that not considering all life is not common sense, in self honesty I can easily see my actions are in contradiction to common sense. It is only in the mind that I have formed an illusion of common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a belief or mind created illusion that I care about our shared physical reality as I use this to defend what I have accepted and allowed in self interest. I can see the consequence of this belief is that I suppress the way I see myself moving through my day - that is the proof of how I exist within a day and create an inability to face myself within my accepted and allowed self-interest. Another consequence I can see is the other side of the coin where I look at the proof of how I exist in self interest and form the belief that I do not give a shit and just give up and say “this is how I am” and just give up on myself perpetuating the acceptance and allowance of self interest. I now see, realize and understand that either belief about myself create limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize I exist in a polarity swing of negative and positive self image believing I am special and do not give into self interest and then hopeless in seeing my actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposefully choose to act in self interest and justify with a belief that I will stand for what is best for all later and in that choose more entertainment or rest, I see realize and understand that within this justification there is a missed opportunity to change and stand for what is best for all and I’m acting as if another moment will be better to change in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards difficulty in seeing and facing points of self-interest as I’m not sure how much I accept and allow to defend my self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize that giving into or participating with any needs, want or desire is in fact self-interest and that I have accepting and allowing self interest as acceptable not realizing I am creating and perpetuating conflict and friction with my family, society, world and myself through lack of contribution to what is best for all.

I commit myself to further investigation of my participation with self-interest and stop the participation with beliefs about weather I care or not so as to practically look at where I am not standing for what is best for all.

I commit myself to live fully aware in the realization that need, want and desire is in fact self-interest and is not practical common sense and in that I commit myself to not justify self-interest as acceptable.

I commit myself to learn to not participate within anxiety towards the work that still lay ahead of me to become a being that stands for what is best for all.

Investigate http://desteni.org/ find out our common ground is beneath our feet and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

Day 67 doing it wrong

     Here I am going to open up the point of fear of doing things wrong. Well this is a fear that can definitely get in the way of change, so there are definitely consequences for allowing this fear to direct me, what I am able to realize is that doing something the wrong way can mean not doing something perfect or getting a opposite or negative outcome compared to the desired outcome. There of course is often the possibility that someone could tell me I am doing something wrong either to help or to judge and in that I have to ask myself if it really matters which is true. When it comes down to doing something perfect, if I am going to do something different or new then doing it wrong first will often be required. Avoiding any possible chance of doing something that will actually do harm omg my imagination can go on forever coming up with possible negative outcomes towards an action I take. So I will do some self forgiveness on ‘doing it wrong’ and I’ll do my best to not unravel all of space and time J.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of being judged for doing something the wrong way as if it is required that I please other people in the performing of a task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of showing weakness if someone sees they cause a reaction in me after mentioning I’m doing something wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into negative emotional reaction towards someone saying I’m doing something the wrong way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear when considering doing something different or new as I will likely not be perfect at it making my self image vulnerable as it is possible someone would judge, I realize in this that there are consequences to giving into this fear such as - inability to change, adapt to different situations or take on responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of negative or undesired results when taking on a new responsibility/task as I can imagine many undesired results in the mind while I am actually doing nothing for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into judgment towards being told I’m doing something wrong instead of just considering if I can do better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with projections of desired outcomes instead of living responsibly as I give power to undesired outcomes to create more fear and guilt and suppressed self responsible expression. The question to ask is: If I create a consequence that is bad for all do I stop creating myself as being that stands for what is best for all? No!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear through my obsession with cause and effect which is just fear of the unknown and it would be just crazy to ask all the butterflies to stop flapping their wings. Honestly if I can’t move to take responsibility then what, leave it to fate or other people? No!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on knowledge and information as I created a need to know all possible consequences- instead of committing to the direction of becoming a being that stands up responsibly for what is best for all life equally. If not this direction then what? I can become a being that stands for screw you? Which also requires screw me.

I commit myself to stop participation with fear of being judged about my performance within taking on tasks and stop the limitation of this fear by replacing it with self direction in the physical here as breath.

I commit myself to stop my self accepted limitation as an ego and not create future projections of being criticized, if and when criticism occurs I take it as possible support from the physical.

When taking on something new, difficult, uncomfortable or unfamiliar I commit myself to be fully aware I will most likely not perform perfectly, I stop participation with need want and desire for results and I commit myself to train myself to push through resistance so I can move responsibly.

I commit myself to stop existing in fear of unknown consequences and stop being so sure to cover my own butt to start to break the chains of acting in self interest, I stop participating with imagined consequences and breathe here in the physical self directing in consideration of what is best for all.

Learn to utilize the tools of self forgiveness at  http://desteni.org/

And please investigate http://equalmoney.org/

Day66 Me as violence-lucky no one got hurt

     So I find myself getting stuck while writing or trying to start writing and I’ve come to realize it was because there was something I did not want to face, as I would sit and start to get frustrated with myself not moving and the energy starts building up –I stand up and my physical body has a message for me; I start shadow boxing throwing kicks and punches at the air. It’s my violence that I don’t want to look at; it’s a desire to beat the hell out of my problems. Fortunately (and I realize I’m lucky) no one has been hurt because I’ve been able to suppress my violence. When you start to realize what goes into creating a human being you have to know that if just a few things were different in your life or even one major thing you could have become a violent murderer.

     Another reason I was resistant to writing about my inner violence was because I share my writings for the world to see. Do I protect myself or do I put myself out there so others can see violence in themselves and maybe deal with it? Well….

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a desire to violently take on my problems/consequences, I realize it is most likely that if I was to attempt to take on my problems/consequences this way it would only serve to create new consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build a violent character to deal with violence that was directed towards me in my school years readying a character to take over to beat the hell out of or kill the next person that messes with me; (lucky).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as positive ego towards my ability to do damage to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with the back chat “you don’t want to fucking mess with me” this is a back chat that I have participated with in the past, even though it’s been a while since I’ve been in a situation that brought it out I see it’s still a part of me, looking back I realize I’ve heard “you don’t want to fucking mess with me” from many people as a matter of pride in being able to do damage or exact revenge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger towards knowing I have been possessed by violence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as guilt and judging myself as less than for being possessed by violent energetic experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with violent energetic experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as violent emotion towards others while blaming them for my suppression as I give into fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as violent emotion towards perceiving others as inhibiting my freedom or free choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as violent emotion towards the perception of other people messing up my world. I realize this perception as blame and can be used as justification for supporting war.

I commit myself to stop the participation with violent emotion and thoughts, when I see myself in a situation where I’m taking on a task that I find difficult or a situation I would normally start to get frustrated with or would become violent towards I stop myself and breathe, I live the word “no” towards violent emotion and thoughts and shake it off it will not be allowed.

 I commit myself to train myself to be here as breath in the moment pushing myself to stay here as breath while I take on tasks = increasing responsibility, accumulating breaths while understanding if I am going to be here as breath it will take practice and I live the understanding that getting violent is useless when not seeing myself in effective self movement.

I commit myself to fully live the understanding and realization that violence will not solve any problems or remove any consequences.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow an ability to do damage to feed myself as an ego and stop the programming of “you don’t want to fucking mess with me” and I commit myself to point out to others that the ability to hurt someone is a lack of common sense when attached to pride and ego.

I commit myself to not exist as guilt towards past participation with violent thoughts and emotions and stop living in the past and letting memory tell me I am violent.

I commit myself to not justify violence by blaming others realizing violence is unacceptable and is due to my own acceptances and allowances, there will be no more violent thought and emotion directed at anyone, till here no further. All violence stops with me first.

Learn to utilize the tools of self forgiveness at  http://desteni.org/

And please investigate http://equalmoney.org/

Day65 Realizing responsibility in breath

       I think what I need to do is decide how it is I will use a moment of breath to become more responsible and start gaining some self mastery. I must consider what there is to do, pick the best thing to do and then do -simple. I also need to realize what it is that I am doing in a moment of breath so lets see what I can work out with some self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within a single moment of breath I can sabotage self direction in many breaths to come.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to act on an energetic impulse over what is best for all within a single moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of doing something the wrong way that would create consequences and instead do nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start participating in an energetic experience in a single moment of breath while self looking and considering what to do, I realize this energetic experience as an anxiety about being alone with myself so I quickly find a distraction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be considerate to myself in a moment of breath by giving into the mind in the current moment of breath so as to sabotage the next moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that it will take a long time to train myself to be aware of every breath but that cannot be an excuse to not push myself to not give into the mind so that I become lazy about it.

I commit myself to continue and increase self directed responsibility in and as breath realizing I can sabotage myself at any given moment of breath.

I commit myself to train myself to not accept and allow fear, impulses or anxiety about being alone with no energetic experience to sabotage self direction in and as breath, I push myself to be here and not be lazy about it.

I commit myself in the moment of breath to become fully aware that each moment of breath sets up the next so I can accumulate self directed breaths.

 

Learn to utilize the tools of self forgiveness at  http://desteni.org/

And please investigate http://equalmoney.org/

 

Day64 SF on being strange

     I realize that I have a lot of work I would like to do on myself and having negative feelings about being strange or not normal is one thing that needs to be fixed. So here is some self forgiveness on being strange.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of judgment for being strange.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as lack of self movement towards doing things others would/might judge as strange.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as frustration towards my views being dismissed as strange.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as normal = blind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity swing of positive and negative self judgment with normal and strange.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of not being supported by others because they think or might think I’m strange.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear that others will have fear of consequences and cause me problems to get me to step in line and be ‘normal’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of survival as I may not be supported or may be attacked if I’m viewed as strange.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow fear towards being judged as strange and not allow this fear to hinder self movement.

I commit myself to not go into frustration if something I say is dismissed as strange and not go into judgment of the other person.

I commit myself to not participate with polarity in the judgment of normal and strange.

I commit myself to stop participation with fear of survival and not being supported or being attacked.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ find out our common ground is beneath our feet and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

 

Day63 I'm too nice :)

     Something’s striking me a little funny, there are situations I have to deal with which I like to deal with patience and understanding, I like to give people support and a chance to deal with things in a reasonable amount of time. When I deal with things this way there are a couple people who like to tell me I’m too nice. I’m starting to realize that maybe their right and those people who helped me realize this are probably going to wish they didn’t – at least until the truth stops hurting anyway.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of confronting other peoples abusive behavior in using fear to manipulate other people that is only good for causing friction and suppressing free expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when fear is the only thing that motivates someone they use fear to motivate/manipulate other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear that turns to anger towards those who would challenge -me as an ego- in saying I’m too nice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of other people getting angry with me if I don’t comply with their demands.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of an angry reaction towards practical common sense and making people see their own abusive behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear while seeing an angry expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger while seeing an angry expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as an ego while lmfao about the people who are going to get exactly what they asked for, I realize I’m as guilty as they are and facing ourselves is good medicine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear as I use other peoples lack of understanding as an excuse to not take self responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize that fear is manipulating me equal and one with the expression coming from others and this fear must be deleted in me first and foremost.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize exposing peoples abusive behavior as an act of kindness, understanding the abusive have been abused in part of a long chain of abuse that will continue if left unchallenged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger while losing my temper when things are not going my way so as to perpetuate abusive manipulation, In this I realize I’m kept in check from standing up against abuse as it creates a situation of hypocrisy. So I stand up against my own abusive manipulation first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger as I raise my voice and go into aggressive posturing when my kids don’t want to comply with my want for them to do something like brush their teeth or get ready for school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of consequences if I don’t get my kids to do certain tasks as I lose patience and express anger because my eye is always on the clock.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a reaction towards my mother when she gets frustrated and angry and so I get angry and frustrated for her so she doesn’t have to be upset.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perpetuate the use of aggression to raise my children passing on my demons of fear onto them.

I commit myself to show and explain to people that fear is an abusive motivator and to explain that there is such a thing as self movement for the purpose of what is best for all.

I commit myself to stop participating with fear of confronting abusive behavior stopping it in myself and standing against abuse in and as the physical.

I commit myself to not be manipulated as an ego when being told I’m too nice and simply explain the practicality of patience and understanding so we can stop abusing each other.

I commit myself to stop all reaction to angry expressions coming from other people, if someone wants to get mad – I stop I breathe and direct myself to direct the situation to the best possible outcome.

I commit myself to not participate with fear of a reaction from explaining to someone they are being abusive and assist them with as much as they are willing to hear realizing I have also been abusive.

I commit myself to not use others lack of understanding as an excuse to not stand and be self responsible for my actions.

I commit to stop all participation with desired results towards perceptions of what my children need to get done and in this I stop reacting with anger to manipulate them. The aggressive posturing stop at and with me and the manipulation of fear stops; till here no further.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ find out our common ground is beneath our feet and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.