So I find myself
getting stuck while writing or trying to start writing and I’ve come to realize
it was because there was something I did not want to face, as I would sit and
start to get frustrated with myself not moving and the energy starts building
up –I stand up and my physical body has a message for me; I start shadow boxing
throwing kicks and punches at the air. It’s my violence that I don’t want to
look at; it’s a desire to beat the hell out of my problems. Fortunately (and I realize
I’m lucky) no one has been hurt because I’ve been able to suppress my violence.
When you start to realize what goes into creating a human being you have to
know that if just a few things were different in your life or even one major
thing you could have become a violent murderer.
Another reason I
was resistant to writing about my inner violence was because I share my
writings for the world to see. Do I protect myself or do I put myself out there
so others can see violence in themselves and maybe deal with it? Well….
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a
desire to violently take on my problems/consequences, I realize it is most
likely that if I was to attempt to take on my problems/consequences this way it
would only serve to create new consequences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build a
violent character to deal with violence that was directed towards me in my
school years readying a character to take over to beat the hell out of or kill
the next person that messes with me; (lucky).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as
positive ego towards my ability to do damage to other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate with the back chat “you don’t want to fucking mess with me” this is
a back chat that I have participated with in the past, even though it’s been a
while since I’ve been in a situation that brought it out I see it’s still a
part of me, looking back I realize I’ve heard “you don’t want to fucking mess
with me” from many people as a matter of pride in being able to do damage or
exact revenge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger towards
knowing I have been possessed by violence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as guilt and
judging myself as less than for being possessed by violent energetic
experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate with violent energetic experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as violent
emotion towards others while blaming them for my suppression as I give into
fear and anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as violent
emotion towards perceiving others as inhibiting my freedom or free choice.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as violent
emotion towards the perception of other people messing up my world. I realize
this perception as blame and can be used as justification for supporting war.
I commit myself to stop the participation with violent
emotion and thoughts, when I see myself in a situation where I’m taking on a
task that I find difficult or a situation I would normally start to get
frustrated with or would become violent towards I stop myself and breathe, I live
the word “no” towards violent emotion and thoughts and shake it off it will not
be allowed.
I commit myself to
train myself to be here as breath in the moment pushing myself to stay here as
breath while I take on tasks = increasing responsibility, accumulating breaths
while understanding if I am going to be here as breath it will take practice
and I live the understanding that getting violent is useless when not seeing
myself in effective self movement.
I commit myself to fully live the understanding and
realization that violence will not solve any problems or remove any consequences.
I commit myself to no longer accept and allow an ability to
do damage to feed myself as an ego and stop the programming of “you don’t want
to fucking mess with me” and I commit myself to point out to others that the
ability to hurt someone is a lack of common sense when attached to pride and
ego.
I commit myself to not exist as guilt towards past participation
with violent thoughts and emotions and stop living in the past and letting
memory tell me I am violent.
I commit myself to not justify violence by blaming others
realizing violence is unacceptable and is due to my own acceptances and
allowances, there will be no more violent thought and emotion directed at
anyone, till here no further. All violence stops with me first.
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