Day51 Disappearing in sex

I am going to go ahead here and do some self forgiveness on sex and sexual fantasy to make sure I’m clear on how I may be directed through past memories.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to visualize sex as some special connection that plays out like a movie; in this movie it’s like time stops we are at the part in the movie just after sex, laying down forehead to forehead realizing and understanding how hard life is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as need, want and desire to be comforted about who I am as if I can escape what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through sex. Unfortunately whatever connection you make in your mind during sex your always you when it’s done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with the minds energy, creating a glowing build up of energy in the heart that I connect to making love. I see realize and understand that I have been participating with this energy/desire for a long time and hold on to it very tightly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and exist in and as memory of the ideal sexual encounter of two people just disappearing out of existence where everything just disappears but our combined essence barely aware of ourselves as separate. I have disappeared into this fantasy enough over decades; time to get real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as memory of past sexual encounters where I purposefully created as much energy in the heart as I could and then charging it up as memory repeatedly over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sex to my mortality, realizing I started this deep connection to sex a long time ago as a way to cope with fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sex with death as the thought often came up after sex that it would be a good time to die, probably not cool for the other person though.

I commit myself to stop building and participating with the minds energy through sexual desire, realizing that the glowing energy placed in and around the heart as a red flag and stop before I disappear into fantasy.

I commit myself to stop using sexual desire/fantasy as an escape from facing myself in the attempt to find comfort and acceptance.

I commit myself to further investigation of what I have connected to sex so I know I will not deceive another to get a desired experience.

 

 

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