Day49 Girl/friends

     I used to have girls as friends when I was a kid and I enjoyed those friendships, unfortunately as I became older this became difficult. For one I started to form desires for sex, more often than not I wanted to have sex with the women around me and they usually knew it. Then when I was in a relationship the girl I was with was afraid I would find someone and trade her in or cheat and to alleviate her fears I just cut off all ties, I could only be friends with her friends or my friends girl friends. Well I’m single now and the only thing that would get in the way of having female friends besides the limited time I have is sex and all though I am not going to actively search for sex when checking myself I have to say it’s not likely I would turn it down. Oh boy… how did it get so complicated I’m seriously considering proclaiming myself as celibate till I die… wouldn’t matter much anyway still can’t be friends with women in relationships- most likely would start a fight. Why is it unlikely I would turn down sex? I guess I’d feel like I would be missing out on an opportunity that doesn’t come around every day… like a forbidden fruit in a way. I also feel like if I was having sex I would be moving forward in life somehow- I really don’t think that is common sense. I have been backsliding on my commitment statements about sexual desire so time to revisit the sexual desire point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand by my word in not fantasizing about sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards missing out on sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as desire to make sure I can find sex just to say I can; so that it’s a possibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as desire for sex as a more experience varied living/freedom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation through creating future projections of having sex as an exciting experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as unconscious and subconscious desire for sex that is present when around women that is around my age.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety about my gaze being drawn to the female curves such as breasts, hips and buttocks as I feel like I have little control over myself and in this…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subconsciously and or unconsciously directed to gaze at the female figure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project sexual desire onto women thinking if I receive a certain amount of attention she must want to have sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I won’t say no to sex due to desire even if it’s not best for both of us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider sex for any reason besides intimacy and self expression.

I further my commitment to stop future projections of sex through conscious, subconscious and unconscious desire if I notice my gaze drawn to the female curves I stop I breathe, I grind my foot into the ground to say/check that I am ‘here’ or give my head a quick shake and say NO!

I commit myself to stop participation with anxiety towards ‘missing out’ on sex or desire to prove it as a possibility; I do not accept myself as experience based.

I commit myself to investigate when I do not stand by my word and find the why behind it using self honesty and then using the tools I have received through support.

I commit myself to say no to any sex if it seems anything may be unclear between two of us that would be consenting if it comes up as something myself and another are considering I make sure all expectations are clear; there will be no heat of the moment decision.

I commit myself to… when with a female friend not to participate with any expectation or desire for sex or any guessing about whether she wants sex; I make sure to be ‘here’ in the physical aware of and as breath equal and one.

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

Day48 "I ruin lives" character

     I was going to do some more self forgiveness on parenting but something was stopping me; just couldn’t get to writing. It was getting too late so I decided to go to bed, soon after I hit the pillow it started coming out and it’s one of those points that shake your whole body; time for SF on the “I ruin lives” character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of ruining my children’s lives within a character I created that catalogues evidence of me ruining lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as knowledge and information that stands for proof that I have already ruined my children’s lives by not maintaining the relationship with their mother and in that stunting there development, as my son is a special needs child behind on his speech and cognitive abilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as knowledge and information that stand as proof that I have ruined the life of my children’s mother as she was too young to make the decision at 18 and I should have known better and now she is very much struggling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as self judgment; in seeing myself as less than for being a bad person within the memories retained in the “I ruin lives” character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as negative self judgment in the memory of wasting 10 years of a woman’s life as I did not agree to have kids with her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as knowledge and information judged as proof that I have ruined my mother’s life in that she had to always work so hard because I was so lazy and she had no time for herself and I was much in the way of her social life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself within the “I ruin lives” character -to want to just give up. I realize that as this character I don’t even care and it keeps me in a battle against myself in the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as guilt that comes with the “I ruin lives” character; pulling me down in and as a mind and making me less effective or even useless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety that comes with the “I ruin lives” character; believing I don’t deserve to or will never see myself standing and I just need to feel bad about what I’ve done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of ruining other people’s lives and in this shutting myself off from society in an attempt at damage control.

I commit myself to stop myself as the “I ruin lives” character; aware of the emotions and thoughts that come with this character, if these thoughts and emotions come up I stop and breathe myself back as breath as the physical applying self forgiveness if required.

I commit myself to put this to the test and get connecting to others showing myself that I can be supportive without fear of ruining lives.

I commit myself to become fully aware of the knowledge and information that stands to tell me who I am; I will continue on to become stable in and as the physical with nothing from past memories standing as ‘proof’ of who I am.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

 

Day47 'I am sick' character

     I’m going to look at how I justify getting angry when I’m sick and look at the past patterns within being sick. I realize in the past before I had kids if I was too sick to go to work I would enjoy having the day off even if it’s not fun being sick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I deserve a day off from my responsibilities if I’m sick.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take being sick in stride as I would like to see myself being responsibly self directed no matter what, such weakness is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use being sick as justification to not take responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a pattern of sick=not having to do anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up having a cold to be more than it is as I focus on being uncomfortable, charging the experience in and as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ‘I am sick’ giving totally into the mind as ‘I am sick’ is what is directing me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an I am sick character that ‘needs’ to rest and ‘needs’ to be left alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as the I am sick character to not give a damn about existence as the only thing that matters is I get to rest without putting any effort into anything.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be programmed from the example of another to exist as anger when sick, as I seen this is the way to be when you’re sick.

I commit myself to no longer justify trying to take a day off from responsibility as the ‘I am sick’ character, sick or not; I take on my day in self direction without going into or existing as anger.

I commit myself to not focus on being sick and charging the experience in the mind, I move ‘here’ in the physical breath by breath without any need, want or desire attached to being sick. I no longer allow the deliberate separation from the physical as the ‘I am sick’ character.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

Day46 I'm sick FTW

     I have caught a cold and with it came a lot of sinus pressure and a nasty attitude; looks like this cold assisted me to look at what kind of an asshole I am. Being sick made me weak enough to not be able to suppress and hold back the nastiness that is me, yelling at my kids with frustration towards having to say something twice; what a jerk. Well time to get it through my head that the world doesn’t stop because I have a cold.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger towards having to say something twice and in that yelling like a fool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger towards my responsibilities because I’m sick and don’t want to move.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger to manipulate my kids to do things so I don’t have to direct myself, I realize it is just doing the most I can to abdicate myself to the mind so as to not exert myself and instead just run on autopilot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a mind on autopilot to take responsibility and direct me for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger toward not having ‘free will’ to choose to neglect what I ‘have’ to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards seeing myself directed in anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of facing myself as anger. I realize that the fact I had expressed myself as anger in the past does not mean it has to happen again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation of self by viewing past abusive behavior and emotionally charging the memory, realizing no matter how recent; my expression in the past has nothing to do with who I am now in this moment of breath and charging up the past memory with energy can only serve to perpetuate further abusive behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of not being able to stand up and stop who I am as the expression of anger and not yell at my kids.

I will no longer allow myself to be directed by the mind and express myself as anger to my children, till here no further. I simply stop; I take a breath and be sure to be self directed in my responsibility towards my interaction with the children/life in my care no more allowing the mind to just do it for me.

I commit myself to be fully aware of when I am sick to not allow being sick as an excuse/justification to express myself in and as anger not allowing myself to just go into autopilot and try to sleep walk through my responsibility.

I commit myself to be fully aware of anger as manipulation; I direct myself in common sense without expectations of an outcome where the kids do what they are told.

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

Day45 judgment and interuptions

     Seems I have been using people around me as an excuse to not take some practical responsibility towards life, I’d like to see me making more blogs besides just self forgiveness blogs and would like to do some video logs. It seems I am uncomfortable starting on such tasks with my kids around or other people, there’s some anxiety towards the thought of being interrupted or in the case of videos someone could expose something about me in the video, which of course is ridiculous because I do not have to upload the video. Then there is the chance I could be questioned about what I am doing and I seem to fear going into fear when explaining what I am doing even though I am capable of articulating what it is I am doing. There is even an anxiety toward doing or saying self forgiveness around others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards the thought of being interrupted if I take on responsibility towards our shared existence in the form of speaking self forgiveness or doing a Vlog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in and create future projections of being interrupted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my kids as an excuse to not take on tasks even if they are occupying themselves as they can require my attention at any time.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use other beings as an excuse to not do my SF, start a blog or a Vlog just because I may be questioned or interrupted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear while creating future projections of me showing fear or lack of confidence when asked/confronted about self forgiveness or doing a blog or vlog.
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear while creating future projections of someone sneering towards what task I may take on as if to judge me as an idiot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards not being able to explain what I’m doing properly if I am going to do a blog or vlog or speak self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of having something about me or the life I live exposed as others may pass judgment on me and or people I am connected to.

I commit myself to stop the participation with future projections of being interrupted and the anxiety that comes with it, if any reaction comes up inside me towards taking on a task I take a big breath and move myself in the physical.

I commit myself to stop future projections of me going into fear or anxiety realizing if a fear is going to come up I will deal with it when the time comes in real time.

I further my commitment towards not existing as fear towards other peoples judgments of myself and the way I live and anyone connected to me.
  

Investigate http://desteni.org/ find out our common ground is beneath our feet and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

Day44"Not that it matters anyway"

     I realize that I have a tendency to see a task done in the mind creating a future projection of a task already done and in this I often do not move to start the task so I’m going to correct this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create future projections of tasks being or having been done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety when considering a task and wanting it done already or quicker than it will actually take.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as the back chat “it doesn’t matter” I see this back chat is really quiet in the back of the mind almost like it does not come up in words, of course how can anything really matter in my own little word in the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize the abdication of my self responsibility to the ‘nothing matters’ programming, it’s easy to see looking back at my past that ‘nothing really matters’ has been part of me for a long time. This was even pointed out to me before by another as I was likened to eeyore “not that it matters anyways”.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be a care taker of this shared physical reality while I’m here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself as equal as one, to live as ‘it all matters’ as I am here and am not just going to wait around to die.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consciously, subconsciously and unconsciously participate with illusory barriers in the way of moving responsibly in and as the physical.

I commit myself to when I realize a task will be or should be done if anything moves inside of me I stop, I take a deep breath and I move myself.

I commit myself to take on more responsibility step by step, breath by breath pushing through resistance with the time I have, realizing changing myself is a process that requires real self movement in real time in the physical.

I commit myself to slow down and realize when I am abdicating myself to the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind whether I realize the specifics or not and use the consideration of what is best for all as a reference/guide.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ to learn how to change self for the purpose of what is best for all life equally.

Investigate http://equalmoney.org/ to stop the abuse of life on earth so all can have a dignified life.

Day43 "Your so stupid"

     Today I had gotten annoyed with my dad and the back chat was coming up “he’s so stupid” and after that it started coming up for pretty much everyone I came in contact with till I took notice of the pattern latter in the day. It’s not cool getting angry and judging people so time for some self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger and getting annoyed just because something didn’t make sense to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of a pattern of spitefulness towards other beings after being annoyed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with the back chat “he’s so stupid” or “she’s so stupid”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as stupid for doing something that annoyed me, I realize it is me who allowed myself to get annoyed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards making a mistake when giving a direct answer to a request as I may compromise myself, have to deal with someone else’s emotions or be viewed as uncompassionate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize in a moment or take advantage of a moment to support someone else who is bothering me to do something by helping them understand why I won’t do that something, mentioning why it’s not cool to demand something, or go help them out; I consider what the best possible action would be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an emotional reaction towards another beings emotional state.

I commit myself to stop any back chat towards others being stupid, if and when the back chat comes up -I stop- immediately, doing self forgiveness on any emotional energy that emerges towards being annoyed or bothered.

I commit myself to be direct with others when being pushed or asked to do something making sure to be guided by common sense in terms of what is best for all, I make sure I remain humble and not go into judgment or react to emotion.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ to learn how to change self for the purpose of what is best for all life equally.

Investigate http://equalmoney.org/ to stop the abuse of life on earth so all can have a dignified life.

 

 

Day42 Simply here undifined

     I think I’d like to get to know myself a little bit better as self directed as self and not allow consciousness to do it for me. I don’t think definition of self is going to help as definition seems to well… limit and separate, time for some directing instead of knowing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that it is myself that allows the mind to take over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the mind to direct me for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as no other way but mind direction, thinking the mind will always be in charge or at least most of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be intimate as self in and as the physical through self direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can’t keep myself in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect a certain experience when in and as the physical, in this I see that I have been searching for a state of mind rather than just being ‘here’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a self created pattern of searching or trying different states of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use/seek knowledge and information in an attempt to define myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation as the defining of self as “I am this” as this becomes an object of knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pattern of abdicating self responsibility.

I commit myself to stop and see what moves and recognize what moves is not me but just the mind. I stop take a deep breath and become intimate in and as the physical engaged with my surroundings, I can feel my feet on the floor, get personal with my keyboard, enjoy touching what I am working with, get right involved with and as the physical and care for myself as breath.

No more defining myself with knowledge and information cycling through states of mind; till here no further. I realize my abdication to the mind and accumulate self directed as breath and accumulate stability with no expectation/projection of what it will be like to be ‘here’ in every breath.

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

Day41 So inspired

     I realize that I exist in a pattern of searching for inspiration and if I do find a person who is doing or saying something inspiring I get an emotional energy fix as I am both given encouragement in the form of hope and then sadness as “when will I become inspirational?” Where is the inspirational me that stand up for equality? Where is my voice?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out others making a stand instead of making one myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as emotion towards people speaking up against inequality to only get an energy fix of emotion instead of looking at the person practically as an example and simply consider following their lead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as self image judging myself as not smart enough or strong enough to speak up, I realize this is partly due to not knowing if or how I may have to defend my position.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation by viewing a me verse them scenario.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as a future projected self where I have already changed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the simplicity of sharing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get an emotional energy fix from projecting me as inspirational, separating myself from reality with a me standing strong, being inspirational.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the need, want and desire to be standing as an example creates many future projections and has very many possible future projections that can come up to separate me from the physical, these projections can direct me at any time to participate in the mind or direct me in the physical to make poor use of my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make poor use of every breath while projecting myself in possible future action.

I commit myself to stop the future projections of myself standing I will accumulate self trust in every breath by applying common sense considering what is the best use of my time, correcting myself in real time.

I further commit myself to stop judging myself against others who stand up and speak out and I stop seeking inspiration while it is not the best use of my time, I commit myself to stop participating in emotional energy when seeing someone speak up and simply acknowledge their example.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

Day40 Whats best for animals?

     I have for as long as I can remember been sensitive towards other people, been able to imagine what it would be like to be in there shoes but I do not share such an affinity with animals, this is causing a reaction when I make any commitment towards ‘what is best for all’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for creating a bubble for the human were I would only consider what is best for the human.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards not being able to put myself in the shoes of animals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my expression of caring to only beings I interact with in my environment like people, pets, birds or squirrels because I can see them up close and personal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep hidden in my secret mind that I do not consider animals such as farm animals and then judging myself as evil for not sharing an affinity towards them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not fully realize the self judgment towards not considering animals is not considering the extent of the journey to align myself with what is best for all. I will take the time to realize and acknowledge how long I have been existing within self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require emotions or imaginings towards animals in order to consider what is best for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not acknowledge the support the farm animal has given and how it is repaid with abuse and dishonor.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I have only been experiencing myself as a mind while imagining myself in other peoples shoes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as ego raising myself as human to be more than the animal.

I commit myself to continue to investigate what it means to be a being that stands up for all life equally making the required changes to self.

I commit myself to not go into self judgment when I miss the mark as ‘what is best for all’ or am not able to realize what it means.

I commit myself to no longer place myself above the animal as being better than the animal can only be true within a mind reality/illusion.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

Day39 Choice

     In this 7 year journey to life there seems to be a conflict coming up about whether it is a good choice or not. If there is one thing that seems true about this question in my many years as a truth seeker it is that this journey started along long time ago, it is an understanding of cause and effect, the conditions were right for me to… not choose this road but to end up on it. There is no doubt we are all influenced and created through our past, created by how we were raised by the people who were raised by most likely our grandparents and so on back in time. If there was a beginning called the ‘big bang’ it would seem that this is when this paragraph was written. The point is feeling judged has no logic to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become stagnated by the illusion of choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of reasons to not go on with my current path.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that if the reasons for not going forward with the journey to life are not sufficient to stop then they are a waste of my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of not being supported by the system through jobs, friends or a girl friend because of process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of being judged as brain washed, I realize it is self judgment, feeling less than by imagining how I look through other people’s eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as negative self image through projecting judgment onto others that would see myself as weak or stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as self interest in the search for justifying the path that I am on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit self in separation of -as equal as one- by viewing me as a being on a path.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in further separation by viewing multiple paths.

I commit myself to change ‘here’ as self as who I am breath by breath pushing through resistance aware of who I am as able or not and make the correction necessary to be able to stand as life.

I commit myself to not allow separation through viewing possible paths through imagination I make considerations in the moment and act in the moment without dwelling on my own self interest.

I commit myself to take a stand and walk through hell if I have to in order to bring about a world that is best for all life.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

Day38 Fall of the energy addict

     Trying to find my energy fix I seem to have set myself up for a crash, no choice if I am to move forward but to apply some self honesty. Let’s deconstruct the fall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a relationship and all that I imagine would come with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation from the physical as I imagine an easier life that is moving forward with a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand on my word and commitment to stop the desire for sex. I realize it can start with a simple imagined kiss as memory and future projections then one imagination leads to another J

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mourn an imagined loss of a possibility for a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as self interest in desiring to be ‘normal’ and considering giving up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the minds energy allowing it to build within a state of withdrawal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards the thought of no chance of having a relationship with a woman. I realize the separation here as the desire takes me away from being here in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize my needs wants and desires are still present within me and as me even if I spend some time not being directed by need want and desire. I realize I have been missing my mind energy fix and fear a quiet unconnected/non-separated self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear that I’m missing something when I am simply ‘here’ without any mind energy influencing me. I realize this started when I stopped feeding energy to myself as an observer character.

I commit myself to get to know myself as a physical being, quiet without the minds energy intimate with myself ‘here’ in the physical.

I commit myself to stop the self interest of needs, want and desires utilizing self forgiveness understanding my journey to life is something I’ve already argued with myself about and I know where it leads.

I commit myself when faced with possibility to not go into future projection and not entertain possible outcomes, I direct myself according to what is best for all in the moment.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

Day37 Fear filter

     I had a conversation today, in an attempt to alleviate some concern about me and though I don’t think I made a mistake in communication my self-expression was filtered through fear and may have limited my expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of someone not understanding my position in terms of standing with destini.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of being judged or viewed as trying to convert someone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to communicate through and influenced by fear as I try to stay safe in my communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not check my stability in the moment of communication so as not to speak out of reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as self judgment towards giving into fear in the moment of communicating and seeing I could have done a better job expressing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of losing someone’s support in life when my next meal is in the fridge and this persons’ supportive nature could be helpful to others who need it more.

I commit myself to slow down when experiencing fear towards communication and stabilize myself ‘here’ with breathing and express myself as who I am, no longer allowing fear to hold who I am back.

I commit myself to no longer exist as fear of losing support from others but stand as a supportive being that values life.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

Day36 Limited observer

     Well I’ve done a good job of expanding my consciousness; I have become an expanded consciousness observing the world around me watching my body do, watching others do, as the great observer I am, so interesting watching reality as if it’s not real. [I am entertained] [I am on a ride] [I am the universe observing myself] I am fucked if I don’t knock it off. Back chat: “oh shit” “this is a real possession” “this is all I am”. Head ach at this point, 4 count breath… and moving on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear while realizing how ingrained the observer character has become as a false reality imagined as bigger than the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the observer character separating myself from the physical replicating reality in a bubble.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation of my own’ed body watching myself move through space/time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and participate with the programming “I am the universes consciousness”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through participation of the observer character to not honor life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as the observer character to view life as entertainment “wow what a ride”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the limitation that comes from “I am the universes consciousness” as programming. I remember accepting this programming from a documentary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as negative self image and regret for being so self deluded.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the point of equality as a physical existence equal and one in and as reality by building up this image/belief of an observer until only an observer remained.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as a physical being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am ‘here’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been participating in observing myself as an observer creating some kind of feedback loop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for an ‘I am’ in and as a mind seeing if I exist in the feedback. lol that must have been what the ‘oh shit’ was about.

I commit myself to realize I do not require the limitation in a belief of an ‘I am’ but to simply be ‘here’ intimate with and as the physical.

I commit myself to no longer participate in and as an observer character to stop feeding it energy and building it up realizing my self-enslavement in and as a mind in my own little bubble. I commit myself to stop viewing my physical body and my movement through space time as a separate mind reality watching an interesting story.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

 

Day35 Hope and intent.

     Seems I’m trying to force a change, really charging up hope and in this just separating myself from the physical it’s actually getting to the point where whatever task that would be completed is from the starting point of changing the world, not common sense and creates resistance as in too much pressure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge up an energetic experience of hope.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation as a desire for a better world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I have been building up an energetic experience that is creating resistance in my daily self movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity swing where when I see myself not moving I go into a negative energetic experience of hopelessness resembling a drugged like state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I have been existing in separation by energetically charging intent towards everyday tasks, I realize this just creates a resistance to movement as I’m being sped up in and as a mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to energetically charge intent while participating in future projections of myself moving efficiently and quickly to get things done while causing me to miss who I am in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been energetically charging myself as intent when faced with fact about abuse of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I have been energetically charging myself as intent when viewing others standing up against abuse of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take full advantage of ‘what is best for all’ as a guide ‘here’ in every moment of every of every breath, instead of relying on some energetic experience.

I commit myself to stop participating in hope or intent as an energetic experience and future projections towards changing myself or doing simple tasks I move ‘here’ in the physical self honest as who I am and take responsibility.

I commit myself when faced with responsibility as myself and as this world through others examples of standing, realizing abuse or simple tasks of the everyday, I do not allow any energetic influence and just simply understand what there is to be done.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

Day34 Inconsiderate

     What if something happens where someone gets hurt because of something I do or neglect to do?

I have had some anxiety about this lately as I failed to walk a friend to her door just from being self distracted so let’s write it out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards the thought of my friend getting hurt because I was lost in my own thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drift out of reality instead of considering another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards imagined abusive or violent realities in which my friend gets hurt, these alternate realities are not going to help anyone and just keep me in a pattern of thinking on a past event.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of being judged inconsiderate to create a negative self image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as negative self image by judging myself as inconsiderate for participating in my mind focusing on my thoughts and emotions instead of a real person existing in the actual physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as negative self image for failing to be ‘here’ in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of having to live with the fact that something bad happened to a friend because of neglect and in this causing something I would not be able to face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as self interest fearing consequences would come back to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I have to face all harm I have done or will do in order to reduce or eliminate harm I will do in the future as I will increase my consideration of all life instead of dwelling in self interest as thoughts and emotions.

I commit myself to stop indulging in and as thoughts and emotions in self interest and make sure to consider others and stay in our shared physical reality ‘here’ aware of and as breath.

I commit myself to not dwell on thoughts and emotions towards mistakes that could cause harm; I stand up and keep walking my process to become stable in consideration of what is best for all.

I commit myself to be fully aware if and when I’m acting in self interest fearing consequences coming back on myself.

  

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

Day33 Lonely and missing out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely as it is just a way to not take self responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the low energy of ‘missing out on life’ as it relates to feeling lonely while missing the point that I am life here equal and one as everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize as I give attention to this low energy feeling I am in fact creating an experience to compensate for desired experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss out on real experience ‘here’ as self expression by creating experience in and as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine/feel other peoples loneliness to create an experience for myself in and as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project a view and feeling of a lonely world with many lonely beings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize this lonely feeling as just a point of experience based mind created illusory entertainment distracting me from the physical ‘here’ reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize participating in the low energy feeling toward ‘missing out’ is creating an actual missing out of and as life that can cause a downward spiral.

I commit myself to no longer participate in ‘missing out’ or ‘lonely’ energy based feelings to keep me entertained in mind based realities, if I see myself slip into such a reality or energy I give my head a shake and snap myself back to reality ‘here’ aware of breath. I commit myself to stop missing myself as life as ‘here’ as equal as one.

 

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

Day32 comfort cage

     Seems a lot of my writings so far have the word comfort in them, I seem to like my comfort zone. I can see this comfort zone that I exist in and as, it’s an imaginary cage, ya I really like my cage; it’s a nice place to relax, I know what to do in my cage and there might be something scary outside my cage like seeing who I am.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get cozy in my comfort zone where I don’t have to take on more responsibility. I realize this as a cage with bars made of anxieties and fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards going out dancing where I might show a weakness as fear of being judged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of exposing perceived weaknesses like nervousness if I’m meeting new people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as future projections where I show nervousness or a lack of self confidence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of exposing weakness when writing blogs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the more I stay in my comfort zone the smaller the cage I’m in.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as addiction to my comfort zone and allowing my thoughts, fears and anxieties direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my comfort zone get so small that I end up as a mind that runs on automatic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that when sitting in the physical comfort zone its physical self abuse making myself weaker which creates a downward spiral.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe aggression is the key to ‘busting out’ of my cage that I have created, this aggression as an energetic experience cannot be maintained.

 

I commit myself to slow myself down in the physical and walk out of my comfort zone one breath at a time and not let any set backs or steps forward stop me from walking, I move self directed aware of myself as the comfort zone pushing through the resistances, I stop the fear of finding out who I am outside the comfort zone as well as fear of others finding out who I am outside the comfort zone.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that any time I feel caged it’s just me creating it knowing that if I end up in the mind I have definitely gone too far in the wrong direction, I bring myself back aware of breath and make myself stronger ‘here’ in the physical.

  

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.

 

Day31 I was starving-Day dream

     So in my last post I took on the memories of when I was not nice or evil, and I mentioned at the beginning that I day dreamed a lot and I want to take on one particular day dream that sticks out.

     I remember day dreaming when I was a child; that I was in the place of someone who was starving to death somewhere over on the other side of the world and in this day dream, everyone over here in north America was doing everything they could to get to me working frantically to do whatever they could to get to me; I mean obviously I was dying, suffering and scared of course they are all trying to get to me.

      You know… I’m compelled to believe that even in the seemingly coldest human being that justifies this kind of suffering that at some level they know it’s not OK and the fact that this kind of suffering exists has to be effecting them subconsciously somehow. So if I’m right I have to suggest that people stop hiding from it, stop letting it just sit back there somewhere in your mind, I mean it’s maybe not cool to put pressure on people to stand up against the bull shit in the world but it can’t be good for you to be suppressing the knowledge of suffering that takes place. For fuck sakes it’s time we start kicking and screaming knocking down whatever is in our way to find the solution to this mess.

     I’ve never shared this day dream with anyone, probably because there was never really a plan or because there is something wrong with dreamers. I found a plan, the equal money system presented by desteni; I love this plan, if it’s not good enough for you maybe you can find something better but go look or create a plan or find some people to work out a plan with, but do something.  Consider passing on the equal money system to others and consider being a yes vote for equal money when the time comes.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a bad friend to people I know because if they would have come out of a vagina in a place where starvation exists and then had to go through the suffering of starvation I would have done very little in my life to stop their suffering.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as negative self image due to the belief that there was nothing I could do to stop the abuse and unnecessary suffering that exists in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the want to end starvation and speak out, in this I see the separation I created in past images and future projections as wants, needs and desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of being judged as ‘trying to be a hero’ or trying to be special in trying to find a solution to suffering in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in alternate realities where I see people judging me or trying to help me get away from the group that has offered an opportunity to work for everything I’ve been looking for like the self mastery, the quiet mind, peace on earth, the end of starvation and poverty, dealing with my programming that I came to realize through books on neurology, oneness I realize through basic physics and the equality that comes with it but is obviously not shown in our shared reality and giving me the piece of the puzzle that I was missing; my responsibility in all this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of the unknown as not knowing I will not turn my back on this opportunity to become the change I want to see in this world.

I commit myself to give myself the gift of seeing myself stand up for life and end the suppression of myself, I stop the pictures in the mind, the back chat and desires for the end of needless suffering and become one and equal to the work of changing the world.

I commit myself to stop the fear that I will not continue on to change myself to stand up for all life equally. I commit myself to stop judging other as judgmental or not being able to understand why and what I am doing.

  

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.