Day49 Girl/friends

     I used to have girls as friends when I was a kid and I enjoyed those friendships, unfortunately as I became older this became difficult. For one I started to form desires for sex, more often than not I wanted to have sex with the women around me and they usually knew it. Then when I was in a relationship the girl I was with was afraid I would find someone and trade her in or cheat and to alleviate her fears I just cut off all ties, I could only be friends with her friends or my friends girl friends. Well I’m single now and the only thing that would get in the way of having female friends besides the limited time I have is sex and all though I am not going to actively search for sex when checking myself I have to say it’s not likely I would turn it down. Oh boy… how did it get so complicated I’m seriously considering proclaiming myself as celibate till I die… wouldn’t matter much anyway still can’t be friends with women in relationships- most likely would start a fight. Why is it unlikely I would turn down sex? I guess I’d feel like I would be missing out on an opportunity that doesn’t come around every day… like a forbidden fruit in a way. I also feel like if I was having sex I would be moving forward in life somehow- I really don’t think that is common sense. I have been backsliding on my commitment statements about sexual desire so time to revisit the sexual desire point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand by my word in not fantasizing about sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety towards missing out on sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as desire to make sure I can find sex just to say I can; so that it’s a possibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as desire for sex as a more experience varied living/freedom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in separation through creating future projections of having sex as an exciting experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as unconscious and subconscious desire for sex that is present when around women that is around my age.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anxiety about my gaze being drawn to the female curves such as breasts, hips and buttocks as I feel like I have little control over myself and in this…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subconsciously and or unconsciously directed to gaze at the female figure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project sexual desire onto women thinking if I receive a certain amount of attention she must want to have sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I won’t say no to sex due to desire even if it’s not best for both of us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider sex for any reason besides intimacy and self expression.

I further my commitment to stop future projections of sex through conscious, subconscious and unconscious desire if I notice my gaze drawn to the female curves I stop I breathe, I grind my foot into the ground to say/check that I am ‘here’ or give my head a quick shake and say NO!

I commit myself to stop participation with anxiety towards ‘missing out’ on sex or desire to prove it as a possibility; I do not accept myself as experience based.

I commit myself to investigate when I do not stand by my word and find the why behind it using self honesty and then using the tools I have received through support.

I commit myself to say no to any sex if it seems anything may be unclear between two of us that would be consenting if it comes up as something myself and another are considering I make sure all expectations are clear; there will be no heat of the moment decision.

I commit myself to… when with a female friend not to participate with any expectation or desire for sex or any guessing about whether she wants sex; I make sure to be ‘here’ in the physical aware of and as breath equal and one.

Investigate http://desteni.org/ and learn the tools of self forgiveness.

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life and end the rat race.