Day12 father failure character

There were two promises I made to myself when I decided to have kids and I felt justified in the decision. The first was I would make them a gift to the world, and the second was I was going to change the world but I must have thought I was impervious to fall into abusive or destructive patterns because I created a future projection of myself where I would have perfect patience and I knew what not to do and it was just that easy. I was not going to fall into patterns even though I watch EVERY OTHER PARENT FALL INTO THE SAME CRAP! Ya I was pretty special. I’m reminded of a couple times in life when different friends of mine who were dads would look me straight in the eye as serious as cancer and tell me “DO NOT HAVE KIDS!” guess what, if your thinking it’s ok to have kids because you are special; WHATCH OUT IT’S A TRAP! First thing you better realize is that you’re not special and you better know what it means to stop patterns you already exist in- for starters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as ego in seeing myself as special in a way that everything would fall into place and I would not fall into any patterns like I seen in other parents or my own parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the idea I had about myself with perfect patience was do to patience I have when I don’t give a damn or I’m doing something easy with no real challenge with no threat of messing up something important.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as guilt towards failing my expectations as a father and making myself feel better by finding my kids something fun to do as this has been a repeating pattern that neglects my responsibility to pass on responsibility that they need.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the “shut up” back chat of the mind that comes out at times in the physical when I’m beeing asked by my daughter a bunch of questions or being asked over and over for something I say no to because it’s actually me that wants to shut up; I realize I’ve learned to shut up real well and I’m most comfortable when I shut up.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as anger towards my daughter if she interupts a conversation with my son or answers for him as he is far behind on his speech not seeing she craves this attention because of the little party I would be involved in every time she moved forward in her speech and she can’t even realize the energy addiction myself and others created in her or why she gets upset as she is no longer getting that energy fix.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as guilt when I over sleep and it cuts into my time with the kids wich causes me to want to hide and sleep more because I don’t want to face myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as fear of my children coming to have the same kind of negative feeling from my environment that I had in my life from other kids and my parents, teachers, work mates and bosses as I’ve almost always felt helpless put down, beaten down. This has bin my real starting point without being fully aware of it, not creating responsible beings that can stand up for life but only kids that can stick up for themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in past memories of what I consider parenting mistakes instead of considering what is best for all in every moment as breath. Mistakes like teaching my kids how to fight as soon as they could walk without knowing how to teach them not to fight which has caused some kids at school to get hurt, to not get my son extra help with his speech yet, to having the tv on to often.

 I commit myself to realize my becoming an effective father takes time and work and the realization of patterns I fall into, so I will continue to write out my patterns with self forgiveness and change myself in real time.

I commit myself to gain real patience by realizing when frustration and anger take me away from awareness I do self foriveness and bring myself back here as breath.

 
I commit myself to balance out fun and entertainment with responsibility in time, giving the children and myself a chance to learn to do things different in understanding my kids can not even understand why they act the way they do as they will need to be educated to the best they can understand on the way the mind works.
 

I commit myself to have proper conversations with my children and not go into the pattern of being frustrated when I’m required to speak.

 I commit myself not to compound the problem if I mess up my sleeping patterns by going into guilt and start my day in practicle common sence.

I commit myself to make sure my starting point in parenting is first to change self to become a resposible being that stands up for all life equaly in that I can pass what I learn to my children through word and example.

Investigate the group that stands up for whats best for all equally http://desteni.org/

http://equalmoney.org/ so all can live a dignified life.